Posts Tagged ‘tittle-tattle’

Urban Boob Blow For Songstress

June 12, 2008

Avril Lavigne shows her infected tits off in a walk-in fridge, yesterday

Avril Lavigne has announced her retirement from pop music after a scan revealed her tits are turning into cities. Her agent, Hoivy Wienenbleimenblum, told BC&B:

“Avril has no other option but to call it a day after her doctor told her she’s suffering from Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. It’s a disease that only affects Canadian celebrity singers and is fatal, I’m afraid. It’s a terrible shame really – as Avril’s agent, I’d very much hoped to get my hands on those tits before she hit 25.”

Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis is a disease that slowly turns the tits into exact copies of Barcelona and Rio De Janeiro. The infected tits can be sensitive to light, touch, heat and earthquakes, and can grow quickly out of control unless regular demolition takes place.

There is no known cure for Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. Sufferers usually collapse under the weight of their own tits before being buried beneath an ever-growing network of sewage pipes, ultility lines, and underground railway systems.

Sex & The City & Pumpstangel

June 11, 2008

BITCHES

This week, BC&B’s resident acid tongued Celebrity-Breaker casts his weary eye over the Sex & The City Trollop Quartet.

1. Clarry

Oh … my … GOD! Yes, this BITCH is in the MOST IMPORTANT FLAFF MOVIE EVER MADE, but does that mean she has to look like an anorexic whore-bitch transexual???? This girl SERIOUSLY wants to get out of those knickers and stick her bony ass in a FATTERNATOR. How flat are this bitch’s tits? TOO FLAT!!!! That’s how flat!

You stick it to ’em, Pumstangel!

2. Porse

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S GOT A CAVERNOUS VAGINA, DARLING! I’ll bet you could stick a skyscraper up this BITCH’s pocket … AND SHE WOULDN’T NOTICE A FUCKING THING! OK, I’ll give her the fact she’s in the greatest tittle-tattlefest since The Devil Wears Prada, but purrrr-LEASE! Have you seen those DOG-TIT tits? They’re flapping about like a spent sphincter after a good seeing-to from Errol Flynn’s Tasmanian Man-Hammer!!!! 10 for the film, sweetie … 0 for the hound’s flabbers!

Tell it like it is, Pumpstangel!

3. Bo-Nella

Where to start? Has this BITCH not heard of liposuction, darling? LOOK AT HER!!! She looks like she’s been feasting on more than cock-sandwiches – like her character in the world’s finest jibber-jabber movie! – she looks like she’s been feasting on REAL SANDWICHES!! No wonder no man will go near her, the porcine, ugly, fat BITCH!

Carry on, Pumpstangel!

4. Teeri

I have NOTHING to say about this grotesque SPECTACLE! Look at her! With her ghastly hair, her ghastly shoes, and her ghastly clothes! You’d think she’d know how to dress, having just starred in the most earth-shattering movie event the world’s ever seen! But no! THE DUMB, BADLY-DRESSED BITCH!

Thanks a lot for that, Pumpstangel!

Next Time: Pumpstangel casts his evil glance over this year’s Paris/London Fashion Splasher.

Pumpstangel’s Weekly Celebrity Flaff Round-Up

May 28, 2008

Pumpstangel sees ALL

Each week, BC&B’s outrageous gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, casts his beady eye over the world of celebrity, then licks its tits with his acid tongue. Then writes about it.

BEYONCE BITES OFF MORE COCK THAN SHE CAN CHEW

Beyonce showing off her ass to tramps

That whore Beyonce Knowles is doing the dirrrrty behind bodybuilder boyfriend Pump Thruster’s back! Knowles (40) was caught giving a blowjob to a tramp in a skip outside Hollywood’s fashionable Hollmullond Rodeoway Burger King. “I just love giving head to the homeless!” Beyonce purred!

Pumpstangel’s verdict – You big-assed, tramp cock suckin’ BITCH!

FRUIT-LOOP CONNOLLY FUCKED BY ICE-MEN

Jennifer Connolly shows off her insane backside

Fears grow for the sanity of that bitch, Jennifer Connolly. A girlfriend tells me she was seen walking up New York’s famous Broadgate & Tenth in carpet slippers with a cat up her ass! Passersby say Connolly looked confused, and had to be led into a nearby ice hockey rink … where she was sexually assaulted by the New York Shits reserve squad!

Pumpsatgel’s verdict – You head-handicapped, cat-up-yer-ass, raped by a hockey team BITCH!

FAT ZELLWEGER SHOWS OFF FAT BODY AT FUNERAL

Zellweger shows how fat she is now at a friend\'s funeral

My celebrity photographer boyfriend, Hans Von Scumschtuffel, took this shot at the funeral of a close friend of Hollywood A-Lister, Rene Zellweger. Eagle-eyed flaff-spotters can clearly see the bitch has put on over an ounce in weight since her last role in Brad Funkuncle’s action movie, Pissstinger Nazi Bitches Eat Las Vegas. Friends close to the bloated star say she is going to try the Hollywood Skin-Flaying Diet in a last ditch attempt to lose that ounce.

Pumpstangel’s verdict – I wouldn’t bother, Rene, you fat, has-been, balloon-faced, dead friend-mourning BITCH!

More catty gay celebrity gossip next week. Keep pumpin’ – keep Pumpstangel.

Cancer Fears Grow For Dead Heston

May 28, 2008

Charlton Heston, dead, yesterday

Rumours circulating on celebrity gossip/schlep/flaff site JESUS WEPT! suggest Hollywood legend Charlton Heston has contracted cancer … in his grave! Heston (Deceased) was a seventy-a-day smoker when he was alive, and gravediggers fear the habit that didn’t do him any harm in life has finally caught up with him in death.

“I noticed a stink coming from Heston’s grave t’other week,” Jed Frankenstein, celebrity Hollywood gravedigger told BC&B. “Me and Bert had a dig dahn a couple o’ feet, and we could def’nly smell cancer. Bert’s smelt it afore, like. His favver were an eighty-a-day man, and came dahn wi’it in 1968. He says it stinks like summat un’oly. Like summat the Almighty hissen’d put on this earth to punish the wicked sinfulness o’ mankind. I personally thought it smelt like awd shit, vinegar, and the whiff as used to come off’t mother-in-law when she’d bin at the pickled onions wi’ them greet big sausage fingers of ‘ers. The awd bitch.”

Doctors at the Hollywood Charity Clinic for the Terminally Famous are desperately hunting for a cure for Heston’s suspected underground in-corpse death condition. One hospital insider told BC&B that if something isn’t done soon, Heston’s festering corpse may begin spreading its cancer to other famous dead celebrities in the surrounding area.

“The last thing we need is the massive head injury sustained by John F. Kennedy when he was shot by either Lee Harvey Oswald, a sinister government plot, or all aliens and Elvis and that to become infested with lung cancer. Neither do we wish to see the mouldering carcass of Marylin Monroe riddled with this disease. The awd bitch,” the insider said.

“I Only Licked The Shaft,” Denies Apprentice Has-Been Raef Underpants

May 26, 2008

Raef appears on TV to deny \'Greek\' rumours

Our ruthless gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, has erupted a furious war of words with former Apprentice boy/man, Raef Underpants. Underpants (60) was accused of using his mouth on the flange of fellow Apprenticee, Michael Gelps-Aristophenes’s man-hammer.

“I didn’t,” lied wordsmith Raef, when BC&B caught up with him in a San Francisco bath house full of nude men dressed as Roman soldiers. “It was a terrible misunderstanding. I was looking for a copy of the Radio Times in Michael’s thong, when I slipped and didn’t lick the underside of his flange.”

But acid-tongued Pumpstangel laughed at Raef’s denial.

“Oh, this is such bullshit, darling! Everyone in that god-damned house knows Raef ran his tongue along that shaft. Even Lee, who is mentally retarded, managed to tape it on his mobile phone! I give Raef Underpants the Seamus Pumpstangel Secret Gay Pant-Pumpstangel Award of the Week Award!”

Beckham ‘Under Knife’ Speculation By Media Flaff-Press Guru

May 26, 2008

Victoria Beckham sports this season\'s new \'Bone Look\' tomorrow

News coming down the tittle-tattle pipe suggests Victoria Beckham has been under the knife again!

Online celebrity jammersite TWAT! believes the emaciated anorexic moron has had a quart of bull’s shit injected directly into her hideous face.

“If you look closely under her chins,” Wanko McTonypandy, TWAT!‘s Flaff Editor told BC&B, “you’ll see a shitline that wasn’t there twenty minutes ago. Flaffmerchants such as me believe this is Victoria’s latest attempt at keeping up with those other bonebags from the Sex & The City movie … THE MOST IMPORTANT TATTLE PICTURE EVER MADE!”

Lohan’s Anus Damaged In Drunken Anal Fallback Disaster – Corbett Blamed

May 26, 2008

Miss Lohan, just prior to her anal accident five minutes ago

Frightning piss-artist, Lindsay Lohan (20), was rushed to hospital ten minutes ago after a drunken stunt involving a bottle of Jack Daniels, a tube of anal sex lubricant, and a running machine left her suffering massive anal and internal injuries.

Miss Lohan, who is currently filming the new Brad Titlag movie, Shitsplitters IV, had squeezed the anal lubricant up her arse prior to getting drunk and going running indoors. Within minutes she had lost her footing and flew backwards, impaling her anus on popular entertainer Ronnie Corbett’s giant penis.

“It was a mystery,” a flappered Corbett went and told BC&B. “I was passing the naked and drunk Miss. Lohan with my enormous cock out on my way to meet Bruce Forsyth. Miss. Lohan slipped back and skewered her bottom up to my balls. I could feel all warm guts up there, so I gave her a seeing-to, Corbett-style.”

Corbett – who is the father of 1970s rag and bone man, Harry H. Corbett – immediately called an ambulance after he’d finished sodomising Miss. Lohan.

“I was up there about an hour … maybe an hour and a half. How long does it take to read a Haynes manual from cover to cover? I was up there that long.”

Miss. Lohan is destined to be humanely put down later his evening. To ease her suffering, doctors will be using a cannon and a brick wall covered in all nails, broken glass and live snakes. No, ghost snakes – THE WORST SORT OF SNAKES.