Posts Tagged ‘tits’

Ring O’ Ring O’ Racists For ‘Ashamed’ Liv

June 19, 2008

Liv Tyler prepares to be mounted by her husband, The Incredible Hulk

Liv Tyler has admitted she’s ‘ashamed’ of her body after sources close to the Hulk actress revealed her abdomen is covered in all racists from the olden days.

“Liv’s devastated,” a close friend told BC&B. “She was just about to film her first sex scene with the Hulk when she noticed pimples had appeared in a ring around her belly button. Within days they’d grown into the heads of famous racists such as Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Adolf Hitler. She tried going back to work, but in a scene where the Hulk was supposed to push his big veiny green cock up Liv’s arse, the racists started spouting racist abuse and telling smutty stories. The film company had to use a body double, and Liv lost fifty pounds out of her wage packet that week.”

This isn’t the first time a major Hollywood actress has succumbed to an outbreak of racists. In 1992, Sharon Stone had to halt filming of her interrogation scene in Basic Instinct when Enoch Powell stuck his head out of her vagina and began warning cast and crew members about ‘a tide of blacks’.

Urban Boob Blow For Songstress

June 12, 2008

Avril Lavigne shows her infected tits off in a walk-in fridge, yesterday

Avril Lavigne has announced her retirement from pop music after a scan revealed her tits are turning into cities. Her agent, Hoivy Wienenbleimenblum, told BC&B:

“Avril has no other option but to call it a day after her doctor told her she’s suffering from Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. It’s a disease that only affects Canadian celebrity singers and is fatal, I’m afraid. It’s a terrible shame really – as Avril’s agent, I’d very much hoped to get my hands on those tits before she hit 25.”

Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis is a disease that slowly turns the tits into exact copies of Barcelona and Rio De Janeiro. The infected tits can be sensitive to light, touch, heat and earthquakes, and can grow quickly out of control unless regular demolition takes place.

There is no known cure for Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. Sufferers usually collapse under the weight of their own tits before being buried beneath an ever-growing network of sewage pipes, ultility lines, and underground railway systems.

Winslet Tit-Girth Size Worries Grow

May 26, 2008

Winslet, yesterday, with slightly larger boobs

BC&B’s resident Celebrity Scandal Sniffer, Tony Brounts, has heard worrying rumours that plump Kate Winslet is PUTTING ON WEIGHT. Scientists have examined these two images – taken three years apart – and, using a powerful scientific electron microscope, have discovered her tits are a staggering 0.00008 millimetres bigger than they were!

“This is terrible news for Kate,” Brounts told BC&B over a scotch egg and pineapple baguette. “She’s already had to deal with VD, crabs, and herpes, and now her tits are microscopically bigger too! How she’s going to get any more film parts in movies is anyone’s guess … she’s ugly now – hideously ugly.”

Miss Winslet’s agent, Johnny Five, has denied Brounts’ claims. In a thunderous press release, Mr. Five calls Brounts a ‘hapless, lying hack’ with the ‘intellectual capacity of a small orange or labial apple’. He goes on to state that Miss. Winslet’s tits remain the same size – a whopping 44 ZZ!

Weisz Has Fattest Labia, GOSSTEPPER Magazine Claims

May 26, 2008

Miss. Weisz relaxes half-naked as she furiously denies having an enormous labia

“Brendan Fraser’s seen it twice, and he says it’s a big labia,” says GOSSTEPPER‘s Editor-In-Chief, Ho Slags, speaking of award-winning actress Rachel Weisz’s labia. “Apparently, each side looks a bit like a fat apple … or something as fat as an apple. Like a pear, maybe? A fat pear?”

But Weisz’s publicist, Morty Mortensensen, denies Fraser and GOSSTEPPER‘s claims.

“Rachel Weisz’s labia is no bigger or smaller than any other celebrity labia. It’s probably the same size as Anna Friel‘s, another English Rose actress with a labia.”

Weisz was unavailable to comment on the claim that she has a grotesquely malformed labia (the vaginal equivalent of hunchbackery), as she is currently busy working with Baz Spazzman on his new film, Whore In New York Git FUNkeeee.