Posts Tagged ‘the apprentice’

Harry H Corbett Wins The Apprentice

June 12, 2008

Lee McQueen celebrates his victory with his faarver and his new tart

“Vis is a wonderful wresult for me,” laughed Harry H Corbett, on learning that he has won this year’s The Apprentice. “Finally I can get away from vat zzzirty old man and bwranch aaaht on my own. Vis is ve best day of my ‘ole life!”

Sadly, Corbett’s celebrations were cut short when, on showing his new bird round his swanky London office, he discovered his new boss Sir Alan Sugar having a wash in a tin bath on the office floor, drinking brown ale. When Corbett (56) demanded to know what the hell Sugar thought he was doing, the electronics billionaire replied:

“None o’ your bleeeedin’ business, you dirty great poofter! Oh, don’t leave me ‘Aaaaary, I’ll be lonely on me own!”

Harry’s new girlfriend left swiftly, causing the furious Apprentice winner to throw his hat to the ground in frustration and bite his knuckles whilst going, “Goor-g-g-g-gaaaggghh!”

Then he cleared orrf ahtside to mack aht the ‘orse.

The Apprentice – The Final Five … No! Four!

June 6, 2008

Due to a technical issue, BC&B was unable to complete its round-up of the awful chatterboxes who make up this year’s Apprentice final five. Thankfully, the one who was sacked (Lucinda Tumpkins) has already been covered here, so sticking the other two idiots up after the horse has bolted doesn’t screw anything up (much). So here, then, are the final two of the final five that are now four but were five when we first started this coverage last week … ahem …

Claire Flabberts

Claire and boyfriend Wayne on their £25 wedding day

Motor-mouth Claire Flabberts grew up on a council estate in Britain’s only Third World county – Derbyshire. For many years she lived on a steady diet of beans, bread and Utterly Butterly fed to her by her prostitute mother, Marlene Dietrichterscale Flabberts – a calamitous calorific calumny that gave her the colossal figure the British public bear horrified witness to today. Cursed from an early age with pendulous udders, Claire doesn’t see her massive tits or utter stupidity as a barrier to success.

“Words words words words words,” she snorts through her snout. “Words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words!”

“Words words words words words,” she added.

Loves
Saying things without first bothering to find out what they mean
YouTube videos of Ba’ath Party officials’ executions
Watching the cancerous die

Hates
Wops

Marital Status
Untouchable

Ambition
To produce Yoplait from her udders – strawberry from the left, chocolate from the right

Verdict
BEARS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO A TYPICAL SKID-ROW PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS AT THE TAIL-END OF HER CAREER WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY, UP TO AND INCLUDING ANIMAL, OVERWEIGHT PREGNANT LESBIAN, AND PISSING FILMS

Alex ‘Crackhammer’ Crackhammer

An artist\'s impression of how anorexic Alex would look as a musclebound knife fighter

For bisexual anorexic bulimic Alex, it’s all about bums, novelty leather costumes and having fun, fun, fun. A familiar sight at Manchester’s annual Pride march, Alex yearns for the day when we can all live in peace regardless of what eating disorders we’ve chosen to suffer from.

“I imagine a world where it’s a bit like a house,” he incomprehensively mutters. “Like, if you had The Jackson Five, ABBA and some Chineses all living together, yes? And they all got along? Am I making sense? I think I’m making sense … think of a pyramid, yes? With The Jackson Five in it? Except they’re not all black people and you cut out the paedophile?”

If Alex wins The Apprentice he promises to bring harmony to Alan Sugar’s company by throwing up his regular luncheon of peas and boiled egg on to the boardroom table.

Likes
The Jackson Five

Dislikes
Racial prejudice
Intolerance
Arabs

Marital Status
Looking for love – though would accept loveless domestic abuse and a life of terrified servitude

Ambition
To break wind for the first time

Verdict
SKIN + BONES = AFFORDABLE COCAINE HABIT + NICE FLAT?

Tune in next week as BC&B criticises the winner of this year’s Apprentice.

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 3

May 30, 2008

Lucinda Tumpkins and friends

Lucinda Wendyhouse Tumpkins

“My name is Lucinda and I went to the seaside with my bear friend and my yellow haired friend and my other friend that I don’t know what he is. We collected shells and made sandcastles and went in the sea. My bear friend was taken away by the policemen when he was caught doing something in the boy’s toilets that nobody would tell me what it was. Then my yellow haired friend was arrested when he was caught taking photographs in the boy’s changing rooms at the baths and that just left my other friend that I don’t know what he is. I don’t like my other friend that I don’t know what he is I hate him I hate him I hate him. My name is Lucinda and this is what I done did on my holidays.”

Loves
Pudding
Jelly
Sweets

Hates
Silly Boys

Marital Status
Cats

Ambition
To marry a handsome prince and live in a castle happily ever after for ever and ever and ever

Verdict
LETHAL INJECTION

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 2

May 29, 2008

Helene Knickers

Helene Knickers takes some time off from being invisible in The Apprentice to work on her manly tan

“I’m just an ordinary girl with a third-degree burns kinda face,” laughs the diminutive Knickers. “And if I win The Apprentice, my ambition is to embezzle Alan Sugar out of MILLIONS.”

Helene – whose father is idiot outdoorsman woodland animal murderer, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall-Knickers – admits to having no business sense whatsoever. However, like most women, she doesn’t think that should hold her back when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder.

“I can cut it in business as much as the next woman!” she smirks, revealing extensive damage to her front teeth. “I have tits, I have ass … what more does a sassy broad need?”

Helene Knickers Fact File

Loves
Belching
Tomato-based foods
Animal pornography

Hates
The fact her drink has never been spiked

Marital Status
Lonely – considering a career in the adult film industry in order to meet men

Ambition
To see Miss Saigon one thousand times before she dies

Verdict
OLD AND UNWORTHY

Tomorrow: The marshmallow Lucinda Tumpkins

The Apprentice – The Final Five

May 28, 2008

Over the next five days, BC&B takes a look at the five remaining candidates in this year’s series of The Apprentice.

Lee McQueen

Lee McQueen tends to the \'orse along with his unpleasant father, Albert

Former wrag and bone man Lee wants to see shadows disappear from the earth. Lee (who is mentally-retarded) became concerned by shadows when a friend took advantage of his gullibility by telling him shadows are the future ghosts of the person they follow.

“I don’t want to be followed awround by a ghost of myself. It’s dead spooky, and vere’s always ver possibiwitty vat vey might suck out your bones an’ vat. It’d be best if ve Pwime Minister got wrid of shadow ghosts for good … ven Lee McQueen could sleep wivvout the light on.”

Lee is unlucky in love. To date, he’s had over eighty first dates – each one ruined when he took the girl home to meet his father, only to find him naked in a tin bath in the front room, eating pickled onions.

LEE MCQUEEN FACT-FILE

Loves
Rags
Bones
Old Iron

Hates
His father

Marital Status
Constantly thwarted by unpleasant paternal bathing activities

Ambitions
To leave home

Verdict
MENTAL RETARD

Tomorrow: The ugly Helene Knickers

“I Only Licked The Shaft,” Denies Apprentice Has-Been Raef Underpants

May 26, 2008

Raef appears on TV to deny \'Greek\' rumours

Our ruthless gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, has erupted a furious war of words with former Apprentice boy/man, Raef Underpants. Underpants (60) was accused of using his mouth on the flange of fellow Apprenticee, Michael Gelps-Aristophenes’s man-hammer.

“I didn’t,” lied wordsmith Raef, when BC&B caught up with him in a San Francisco bath house full of nude men dressed as Roman soldiers. “It was a terrible misunderstanding. I was looking for a copy of the Radio Times in Michael’s thong, when I slipped and didn’t lick the underside of his flange.”

But acid-tongued Pumpstangel laughed at Raef’s denial.

“Oh, this is such bullshit, darling! Everyone in that god-damned house knows Raef ran his tongue along that shaft. Even Lee, who is mentally retarded, managed to tape it on his mobile phone! I give Raef Underpants the Seamus Pumpstangel Secret Gay Pant-Pumpstangel Award of the Week Award!”