Posts Tagged ‘cold dead hands’

Cancer Fears Grow For Dead Heston

May 28, 2008

Charlton Heston, dead, yesterday

Rumours circulating on celebrity gossip/schlep/flaff site JESUS WEPT! suggest Hollywood legend Charlton Heston has contracted cancer … in his grave! Heston (Deceased) was a seventy-a-day smoker when he was alive, and gravediggers fear the habit that didn’t do him any harm in life has finally caught up with him in death.

“I noticed a stink coming from Heston’s grave t’other week,” Jed Frankenstein, celebrity Hollywood gravedigger told BC&B. “Me and Bert had a dig dahn a couple o’ feet, and we could def’nly smell cancer. Bert’s smelt it afore, like. His favver were an eighty-a-day man, and came dahn wi’it in 1968. He says it stinks like summat un’oly. Like summat the Almighty hissen’d put on this earth to punish the wicked sinfulness o’ mankind. I personally thought it smelt like awd shit, vinegar, and the whiff as used to come off’t mother-in-law when she’d bin at the pickled onions wi’ them greet big sausage fingers of ‘ers. The awd bitch.”

Doctors at the Hollywood Charity Clinic for the Terminally Famous are desperately hunting for a cure for Heston’s suspected underground in-corpse death condition. One hospital insider told BC&B that if something isn’t done soon, Heston’s festering corpse may begin spreading its cancer to other famous dead celebrities in the surrounding area.

“The last thing we need is the massive head injury sustained by John F. Kennedy when he was shot by either Lee Harvey Oswald, a sinister government plot, or all aliens and Elvis and that to become infested with lung cancer. Neither do we wish to see the mouldering carcass of Marylin Monroe riddled with this disease. The awd bitch,” the insider said.