Posts Tagged ‘big brother 9’

Big Brother 9 Day 18

June 11, 2008

Backfire two seconds before Faff rapes him to win this week\'s task

Meanwhile, The O-Cube interrupted Faff and Melanoma’s discussion on early-16th Century Humanists to waggle his cock in their faces.

Meanwhile, Oid (the outrageous gay) filled up a bucket with his own excrement and threw it at one of the house’s mirrors,

“Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” he said, into the middle-distance.

Meanwhile, Lucy-Pumps and Tablet’s love grows stronger as every day goes by. Having survived Trial by Fire, the two love-birds spend their days in the Pump Room, licking each other’s horrifying burns, whilst Tablet boasts how far he can push his penis up Lucy-Pump’s vagina,

“It’ll easily pass your kidneys,” he was heard to whisper. “In all honesty, it’s best just shoved up your rectum like wot they do in porno movies and France.”

Meanwhile, Backfire has found a mouldering corpse in the garden! Bisexual Backfire didn’t know where to look when his half-arsed attempt at weeding unearthed the rotting cadaver – so he gouged out his own eyes with a trowel! Screaming, he collapsed dead of shock near the Mangling House. The funeral is on Friday – no flowers.

Tomorrow: Pringle finds Super Feminist Mangella’s comments on phalluses bewildering, and Faff farts into a cradle.

Big Brother 9 – The Boys

May 29, 2008

BC&B – the official sponsor of Channel 4’s Big Brother – has been given exclusive access to the new retards going into the house this year. In the first part of our Big Brother special, we introduce you to the boys …

Faff’s a simple soul. With an IQ of just 23, he spends the average day walking round and round and round an unopened can of beans. When he’s not doing that, he’s breaking into cars or filming random acts of senseless violence on a mobile phone he stole from an eight year old. Faff is six foot tall, and says his main ambition in life is to burn down the Warrington branch of Job Centre Plus after his claims adviser disrespected him. When asked to explain what ‘disrespect’ means, Faff stared into the middle distance, then farted.

Backfire describes himself as ‘an individual gay bisexual male looking for fun’. His outraged Lebanese father prefers to call him ‘an affront to God’ and ‘a waste of my seed’. When he’s not painting pictures an infant would be ashamed of, Backfire plays bass in his band – Toxic Death Shock Valentine. The Marchmount & District Telegraph described Backfire’s band as ‘a hopeless joke’. Backfire hopes to go into the media when he leaves the North Lincolnshire Robo-Polyversity for the Mentally Unaware. He hopes to work for E4 as a flaffer.

Tablet’s the cat that won’t cop out, even when there’s danger all about. He’s a bad mother, a sex machine to all the chicks, and would happily risk his neck for his brother man. “I’m a complicated man,” laughs Tablet, “and no one understands me but my woman.” Tablet raddles internal organs from the freshly-slaughtered carcasses of pigs in his local slaughterhouse, and wants to marry Geri Halliwell for her money. Can you dig it?

The O-Cube (real name: Maurice Pomanderer Jnr.) describes himself as an ‘urban experimental graffiti terrorist’. Nottingham County Court judge Alan Williams described him as ‘a persistent nuisance’ at The O-Cube’s recent trial for vandalism and criminal damage. “I’m a warrior,” The O-Cube mutters. “When I’m not blowing your mind with my visions, I’m mashing your ears with my banging tunes, you get me?” In reality, when The O-Cube isn’t completing his 125 hour community service order, he’s cleaning the toilets in Woolworth’s. A waste of space.

Sensitive Pringle wishes the whole world would just live in peace. Except for his mum – a woman he wants dead because she won’t give him money to go to Poppy’s eighteenth on Saturday. Pringle divides his time between college, where he’s studying ‘A’ Levels in Media Studies, Drama and Art, and sitting in his bedroom slashing his wrists as he absorbs My Chemical Romance’s second album. His girlfriend, Zoot Flowerbeam, recently committed suicide to see how many messages of condolence she would receive on Bebo.

“I’m outrageously gay, darling!” bellows This Year’s Gay, Oid Smith. Call centre worker Oid is never happier than when he’s dressing as his alter-ego, Lilly Marspain, a ponderous drag act he hoofs around Manchester’s gay scene in his continuous battle to remain outrageous. Fifty seven year old Oid was recently rushed to hospital when a film he was making for pornography upload site RedTube went horribly wrong. “I had no idea light bulbs were that fragile,” winces Oid.

Tomorrow: Meet the appalling collection of girls Channel 4 have managed to find in the skips and bins of Great Britain.