Posts Tagged ‘awful woman’

Sex & The City & Pumpstangel

June 11, 2008


This week, BC&B’s resident acid tongued Celebrity-Breaker casts his weary eye over the Sex & The City Trollop Quartet.

1. Clarry

Oh … my … GOD! Yes, this BITCH is in the MOST IMPORTANT FLAFF MOVIE EVER MADE, but does that mean she has to look like an anorexic whore-bitch transexual???? This girl SERIOUSLY wants to get out of those knickers and stick her bony ass in a FATTERNATOR. How flat are this bitch’s tits? TOO FLAT!!!! That’s how flat!

You stick it to ’em, Pumstangel!

2. Porse

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S GOT A CAVERNOUS VAGINA, DARLING! I’ll bet you could stick a skyscraper up this BITCH’s pocket … AND SHE WOULDN’T NOTICE A FUCKING THING! OK, I’ll give her the fact she’s in the greatest tittle-tattlefest since The Devil Wears Prada, but purrrr-LEASE! Have you seen those DOG-TIT tits? They’re flapping about like a spent sphincter after a good seeing-to from Errol Flynn’s Tasmanian Man-Hammer!!!! 10 for the film, sweetie … 0 for the hound’s flabbers!

Tell it like it is, Pumpstangel!

3. Bo-Nella

Where to start? Has this BITCH not heard of liposuction, darling? LOOK AT HER!!! She looks like she’s been feasting on more than cock-sandwiches – like her character in the world’s finest jibber-jabber movie! – she looks like she’s been feasting on REAL SANDWICHES!! No wonder no man will go near her, the porcine, ugly, fat BITCH!

Carry on, Pumpstangel!

4. Teeri

I have NOTHING to say about this grotesque SPECTACLE! Look at her! With her ghastly hair, her ghastly shoes, and her ghastly clothes! You’d think she’d know how to dress, having just starred in the most earth-shattering movie event the world’s ever seen! But no! THE DUMB, BADLY-DRESSED BITCH!

Thanks a lot for that, Pumpstangel!

Next Time: Pumpstangel casts his evil glance over this year’s Paris/London Fashion Splasher.

Is This Tit Worry Time For Naked Kate?

June 6, 2008

Artist\'s impression of what Kate Moss\'s right tit probably looks like

‘Close friends’ of bone-thin stupidoid Kate Moss suggest the retarded former jizzmop of spangle-eyed fuckwit Pete Doherty is suffering from Michter’s Mammary Droop-Milk Syndrome. Kate (80) was spotted wandering around in London’s fashionable Left End, when she was spotted by, and fakely worried about by, eagle-eyed papacrappsies. They noticed the waif-like nitwit’s right tit dangling beneath her belt line, with all milk dripping off it.

“Michter’s Mammary Droop-Milk Syndrome is an illness common to celebrities,” Gabriel O’Dangtananagarivo, BC&B’s resident celebrity doctor told our reporters. “It commonly manifests in a drooping right knocker, with all milk coming out of the end. If left untreated it can lead to a complete rectal prolapse, severe anal bleeding, and colour blindness. I suggest Miss Moss goes somewhere for treatment … and fast!

Kate is said to be considering her future in light of her new breast condition.

“She’s wondering whether to get it professionally seen to,” a close friend of the idiot model told us, “or if it’s alright just to have at it with a Stanley knife and a bottle of meths.”

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 3

May 30, 2008

Lucinda Tumpkins and friends

Lucinda Wendyhouse Tumpkins

“My name is Lucinda and I went to the seaside with my bear friend and my yellow haired friend and my other friend that I don’t know what he is. We collected shells and made sandcastles and went in the sea. My bear friend was taken away by the policemen when he was caught doing something in the boy’s toilets that nobody would tell me what it was. Then my yellow haired friend was arrested when he was caught taking photographs in the boy’s changing rooms at the baths and that just left my other friend that I don’t know what he is. I don’t like my other friend that I don’t know what he is I hate him I hate him I hate him. My name is Lucinda and this is what I done did on my holidays.”


Silly Boys

Marital Status

To marry a handsome prince and live in a castle happily ever after for ever and ever and ever


Violent Celebrity News

May 29, 2008

Miss Campbell models the new \'Tits Almost Out\' range by Vespasian Wheeliebinerotti

Shitwit model Naomi Campbell has been formally charged with the alleged murder of a Heathrow Airport policeman, BC&B has learnt from reading someone else’s flaff website a couple of minutes ago.

Campbell (73) allegedly killed the policeman in 2006 when he dared to look the millionairess supermodel retard clothes horse directly in the eye.

“NOBODY looks me in the eye!” screamed Campbell allegedly, before plunging the fabled Dagger of Minirrak-Ra into the screaming bobby’s heart, allegedly, the court was told. She then allegedly stormed off to have a tantrum near a man selling some pens.

If Miss Campbell is found guilty, the court is likely to pass a sentence of death. Rumours suggest the method of execution will involve shoving every single copy of Campbell’s appalling ‘novel’ Swan up her arse. When they’re all up there, the bad-tempered supermodel will be chained to a rock and fed to a kraken.

The case continues.