Archive for the ‘Five Minute Celebrity’ Category

Harry H Corbett Wins The Apprentice

June 12, 2008

Lee McQueen celebrates his victory with his faarver and his new tart

“Vis is a wonderful wresult for me,” laughed Harry H Corbett, on learning that he has won this year’s The Apprentice. “Finally I can get away from vat zzzirty old man and bwranch aaaht on my own. Vis is ve best day of my ‘ole life!”

Sadly, Corbett’s celebrations were cut short when, on showing his new bird round his swanky London office, he discovered his new boss Sir Alan Sugar having a wash in a tin bath on the office floor, drinking brown ale. When Corbett (56) demanded to know what the hell Sugar thought he was doing, the electronics billionaire replied:

“None o’ your bleeeedin’ business, you dirty great poofter! Oh, don’t leave me ‘Aaaaary, I’ll be lonely on me own!”

Harry’s new girlfriend left swiftly, causing the furious Apprentice winner to throw his hat to the ground in frustration and bite his knuckles whilst going, “Goor-g-g-g-gaaaggghh!”

Then he cleared orrf ahtside to mack aht the ‘orse.

Big Brother 9 Day 18

June 11, 2008

Backfire two seconds before Faff rapes him to win this week\'s task

Meanwhile, The O-Cube interrupted Faff and Melanoma’s discussion on early-16th Century Humanists to waggle his cock in their faces.

Meanwhile, Oid (the outrageous gay) filled up a bucket with his own excrement and threw it at one of the house’s mirrors,

“Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” he said, into the middle-distance.

Meanwhile, Lucy-Pumps and Tablet’s love grows stronger as every day goes by. Having survived Trial by Fire, the two love-birds spend their days in the Pump Room, licking each other’s horrifying burns, whilst Tablet boasts how far he can push his penis up Lucy-Pump’s vagina,

“It’ll easily pass your kidneys,” he was heard to whisper. “In all honesty, it’s best just shoved up your rectum like wot they do in porno movies and France.”

Meanwhile, Backfire has found a mouldering corpse in the garden! Bisexual Backfire didn’t know where to look when his half-arsed attempt at weeding unearthed the rotting cadaver – so he gouged out his own eyes with a trowel! Screaming, he collapsed dead of shock near the Mangling House. The funeral is on Friday – no flowers.

Tomorrow: Pringle finds Super Feminist Mangella’s comments on phalluses bewildering, and Faff farts into a cradle.

The Apprentice – The Final Five … No! Four!

June 6, 2008

Due to a technical issue, BC&B was unable to complete its round-up of the awful chatterboxes who make up this year’s Apprentice final five. Thankfully, the one who was sacked (Lucinda Tumpkins) has already been covered here, so sticking the other two idiots up after the horse has bolted doesn’t screw anything up (much). So here, then, are the final two of the final five that are now four but were five when we first started this coverage last week … ahem …

Claire Flabberts

Claire and boyfriend Wayne on their £25 wedding day

Motor-mouth Claire Flabberts grew up on a council estate in Britain’s only Third World county – Derbyshire. For many years she lived on a steady diet of beans, bread and Utterly Butterly fed to her by her prostitute mother, Marlene Dietrichterscale Flabberts – a calamitous calorific calumny that gave her the colossal figure the British public bear horrified witness to today. Cursed from an early age with pendulous udders, Claire doesn’t see her massive tits or utter stupidity as a barrier to success.

“Words words words words words,” she snorts through her snout. “Words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words!”

“Words words words words words,” she added.

Loves
Saying things without first bothering to find out what they mean
YouTube videos of Ba’ath Party officials’ executions
Watching the cancerous die

Hates
Wops

Marital Status
Untouchable

Ambition
To produce Yoplait from her udders – strawberry from the left, chocolate from the right

Verdict
BEARS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO A TYPICAL SKID-ROW PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS AT THE TAIL-END OF HER CAREER WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY, UP TO AND INCLUDING ANIMAL, OVERWEIGHT PREGNANT LESBIAN, AND PISSING FILMS

Alex ‘Crackhammer’ Crackhammer

An artist\'s impression of how anorexic Alex would look as a musclebound knife fighter

For bisexual anorexic bulimic Alex, it’s all about bums, novelty leather costumes and having fun, fun, fun. A familiar sight at Manchester’s annual Pride march, Alex yearns for the day when we can all live in peace regardless of what eating disorders we’ve chosen to suffer from.

“I imagine a world where it’s a bit like a house,” he incomprehensively mutters. “Like, if you had The Jackson Five, ABBA and some Chineses all living together, yes? And they all got along? Am I making sense? I think I’m making sense … think of a pyramid, yes? With The Jackson Five in it? Except they’re not all black people and you cut out the paedophile?”

If Alex wins The Apprentice he promises to bring harmony to Alan Sugar’s company by throwing up his regular luncheon of peas and boiled egg on to the boardroom table.

Likes
The Jackson Five

Dislikes
Racial prejudice
Intolerance
Arabs

Marital Status
Looking for love – though would accept loveless domestic abuse and a life of terrified servitude

Ambition
To break wind for the first time

Verdict
SKIN + BONES = AFFORDABLE COCAINE HABIT + NICE FLAT?

Tune in next week as BC&B criticises the winner of this year’s Apprentice.

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 3

May 30, 2008

Lucinda Tumpkins and friends

Lucinda Wendyhouse Tumpkins

“My name is Lucinda and I went to the seaside with my bear friend and my yellow haired friend and my other friend that I don’t know what he is. We collected shells and made sandcastles and went in the sea. My bear friend was taken away by the policemen when he was caught doing something in the boy’s toilets that nobody would tell me what it was. Then my yellow haired friend was arrested when he was caught taking photographs in the boy’s changing rooms at the baths and that just left my other friend that I don’t know what he is. I don’t like my other friend that I don’t know what he is I hate him I hate him I hate him. My name is Lucinda and this is what I done did on my holidays.”

Loves
Pudding
Jelly
Sweets

Hates
Silly Boys

Marital Status
Cats

Ambition
To marry a handsome prince and live in a castle happily ever after for ever and ever and ever

Verdict
LETHAL INJECTION

Big Brother 9 – The Boys

May 29, 2008

BC&B – the official sponsor of Channel 4’s Big Brother – has been given exclusive access to the new retards going into the house this year. In the first part of our Big Brother special, we introduce you to the boys …

Faff’s a simple soul. With an IQ of just 23, he spends the average day walking round and round and round an unopened can of beans. When he’s not doing that, he’s breaking into cars or filming random acts of senseless violence on a mobile phone he stole from an eight year old. Faff is six foot tall, and says his main ambition in life is to burn down the Warrington branch of Job Centre Plus after his claims adviser disrespected him. When asked to explain what ‘disrespect’ means, Faff stared into the middle distance, then farted.

Backfire describes himself as ‘an individual gay bisexual male looking for fun’. His outraged Lebanese father prefers to call him ‘an affront to God’ and ‘a waste of my seed’. When he’s not painting pictures an infant would be ashamed of, Backfire plays bass in his band – Toxic Death Shock Valentine. The Marchmount & District Telegraph described Backfire’s band as ‘a hopeless joke’. Backfire hopes to go into the media when he leaves the North Lincolnshire Robo-Polyversity for the Mentally Unaware. He hopes to work for E4 as a flaffer.

Tablet’s the cat that won’t cop out, even when there’s danger all about. He’s a bad mother, a sex machine to all the chicks, and would happily risk his neck for his brother man. “I’m a complicated man,” laughs Tablet, “and no one understands me but my woman.” Tablet raddles internal organs from the freshly-slaughtered carcasses of pigs in his local slaughterhouse, and wants to marry Geri Halliwell for her money. Can you dig it?

The O-Cube (real name: Maurice Pomanderer Jnr.) describes himself as an ‘urban experimental graffiti terrorist’. Nottingham County Court judge Alan Williams described him as ‘a persistent nuisance’ at The O-Cube’s recent trial for vandalism and criminal damage. “I’m a warrior,” The O-Cube mutters. “When I’m not blowing your mind with my visions, I’m mashing your ears with my banging tunes, you get me?” In reality, when The O-Cube isn’t completing his 125 hour community service order, he’s cleaning the toilets in Woolworth’s. A waste of space.

Sensitive Pringle wishes the whole world would just live in peace. Except for his mum – a woman he wants dead because she won’t give him money to go to Poppy’s eighteenth on Saturday. Pringle divides his time between college, where he’s studying ‘A’ Levels in Media Studies, Drama and Art, and sitting in his bedroom slashing his wrists as he absorbs My Chemical Romance’s second album. His girlfriend, Zoot Flowerbeam, recently committed suicide to see how many messages of condolence she would receive on Bebo.

“I’m outrageously gay, darling!” bellows This Year’s Gay, Oid Smith. Call centre worker Oid is never happier than when he’s dressing as his alter-ego, Lilly Marspain, a ponderous drag act he hoofs around Manchester’s gay scene in his continuous battle to remain outrageous. Fifty seven year old Oid was recently rushed to hospital when a film he was making for pornography upload site RedTube went horribly wrong. “I had no idea light bulbs were that fragile,” winces Oid.

Tomorrow: Meet the appalling collection of girls Channel 4 have managed to find in the skips and bins of Great Britain.

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 2

May 29, 2008

Helene Knickers

Helene Knickers takes some time off from being invisible in The Apprentice to work on her manly tan

“I’m just an ordinary girl with a third-degree burns kinda face,” laughs the diminutive Knickers. “And if I win The Apprentice, my ambition is to embezzle Alan Sugar out of MILLIONS.”

Helene – whose father is idiot outdoorsman woodland animal murderer, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall-Knickers – admits to having no business sense whatsoever. However, like most women, she doesn’t think that should hold her back when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder.

“I can cut it in business as much as the next woman!” she smirks, revealing extensive damage to her front teeth. “I have tits, I have ass … what more does a sassy broad need?”

Helene Knickers Fact File

Loves
Belching
Tomato-based foods
Animal pornography

Hates
The fact her drink has never been spiked

Marital Status
Lonely – considering a career in the adult film industry in order to meet men

Ambition
To see Miss Saigon one thousand times before she dies

Verdict
OLD AND UNWORTHY

Tomorrow: The marshmallow Lucinda Tumpkins

The Apprentice – The Final Five

May 28, 2008

Over the next five days, BC&B takes a look at the five remaining candidates in this year’s series of The Apprentice.

Lee McQueen

Lee McQueen tends to the \'orse along with his unpleasant father, Albert

Former wrag and bone man Lee wants to see shadows disappear from the earth. Lee (who is mentally-retarded) became concerned by shadows when a friend took advantage of his gullibility by telling him shadows are the future ghosts of the person they follow.

“I don’t want to be followed awround by a ghost of myself. It’s dead spooky, and vere’s always ver possibiwitty vat vey might suck out your bones an’ vat. It’d be best if ve Pwime Minister got wrid of shadow ghosts for good … ven Lee McQueen could sleep wivvout the light on.”

Lee is unlucky in love. To date, he’s had over eighty first dates – each one ruined when he took the girl home to meet his father, only to find him naked in a tin bath in the front room, eating pickled onions.

LEE MCQUEEN FACT-FILE

Loves
Rags
Bones
Old Iron

Hates
His father

Marital Status
Constantly thwarted by unpleasant paternal bathing activities

Ambitions
To leave home

Verdict
MENTAL RETARD

Tomorrow: The ugly Helene Knickers