Archive for the ‘Celebrity Tantrums’ Category

World’s Least Popular Action Star Spills Beans

June 6, 2008

Urine-soaked Statham flies into rage after drowning child in swimming pool

Uncontrollable pissing machine Jason Staham has admitted publicly what flaff sites have gossiped about for eight minutes now – that he’s a cunt, and has a bladder problem. Hard-man Statham (55) broke down at the press conference for his new sci-fi actioner, The Inseminoids, tearfully telling waiting journoshits and papanazis that he couldn’t take the rumours any more.

“Alright, I’ll admit it – I’m a big cunt and I can’t stop pissing my trousers!” thundered the two foot tall ‘actor’. “I’ve never been able to control my bladder, not never. When I was in the playground girls used to laugh at me as it poured all out me shorts. One day, I got so angry at the taunts of my contempories, I balled my fists into mallet shapes and went clobbering. I was ten, and broke a six year old girl’s legs … and I’d do it again!

Journoscum then laughed and laughed at Mr. Statham over his micturation antics (even when he told them to give over), some of them throwing rubber underpants at the red-faced star. Enraged, he pulled himself up to his full height (one foot), and launched his ammonia-soaked frame at the throng of newshounds, gutterknackers and photofuckers.

“I’ll tear your fucking eyes out, y’hear?” bellowed the piss-drenched star, before slipping on a piss puddle and snapping his own neck.

Violent Celebrity News

May 29, 2008

Miss Campbell models the new \'Tits Almost Out\' range by Vespasian Wheeliebinerotti

Shitwit model Naomi Campbell has been formally charged with the alleged murder of a Heathrow Airport policeman, BC&B has learnt from reading someone else’s flaff website a couple of minutes ago.

Campbell (73) allegedly killed the policeman in 2006 when he dared to look the millionairess supermodel retard clothes horse directly in the eye.

“NOBODY looks me in the eye!” screamed Campbell allegedly, before plunging the fabled Dagger of Minirrak-Ra into the screaming bobby’s heart, allegedly, the court was told. She then allegedly stormed off to have a tantrum near a man selling some pens.

If Miss Campbell is found guilty, the court is likely to pass a sentence of death. Rumours suggest the method of execution will involve shoving every single copy of Campbell’s appalling ‘novel’ Swan up her arse. When they’re all up there, the bad-tempered supermodel will be chained to a rock and fed to a kraken.

The case continues.