Archive for the ‘Disgusting Celebrities’ Category

Ring O’ Ring O’ Racists For ‘Ashamed’ Liv

June 19, 2008

Liv Tyler prepares to be mounted by her husband, The Incredible Hulk

Liv Tyler has admitted she’s ‘ashamed’ of her body after sources close to the Hulk actress revealed her abdomen is covered in all racists from the olden days.

“Liv’s devastated,” a close friend told BC&B. “She was just about to film her first sex scene with the Hulk when she noticed pimples had appeared in a ring around her belly button. Within days they’d grown into the heads of famous racists such as Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Adolf Hitler. She tried going back to work, but in a scene where the Hulk was supposed to push his big veiny green cock up Liv’s arse, the racists started spouting racist abuse and telling smutty stories. The film company had to use a body double, and Liv lost fifty pounds out of her wage packet that week.”

This isn’t the first time a major Hollywood actress has succumbed to an outbreak of racists. In 1992, Sharon Stone had to halt filming of her interrogation scene in Basic Instinct when Enoch Powell stuck his head out of her vagina and began warning cast and crew members about ‘a tide of blacks’.

Sex & The City & Pumpstangel

June 11, 2008

BITCHES

This week, BC&B’s resident acid tongued Celebrity-Breaker casts his weary eye over the Sex & The City Trollop Quartet.

1. Clarry

Oh … my … GOD! Yes, this BITCH is in the MOST IMPORTANT FLAFF MOVIE EVER MADE, but does that mean she has to look like an anorexic whore-bitch transexual???? This girl SERIOUSLY wants to get out of those knickers and stick her bony ass in a FATTERNATOR. How flat are this bitch’s tits? TOO FLAT!!!! That’s how flat!

You stick it to ’em, Pumstangel!

2. Porse

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S GOT A CAVERNOUS VAGINA, DARLING! I’ll bet you could stick a skyscraper up this BITCH’s pocket … AND SHE WOULDN’T NOTICE A FUCKING THING! OK, I’ll give her the fact she’s in the greatest tittle-tattlefest since The Devil Wears Prada, but purrrr-LEASE! Have you seen those DOG-TIT tits? They’re flapping about like a spent sphincter after a good seeing-to from Errol Flynn’s Tasmanian Man-Hammer!!!! 10 for the film, sweetie … 0 for the hound’s flabbers!

Tell it like it is, Pumpstangel!

3. Bo-Nella

Where to start? Has this BITCH not heard of liposuction, darling? LOOK AT HER!!! She looks like she’s been feasting on more than cock-sandwiches – like her character in the world’s finest jibber-jabber movie! – she looks like she’s been feasting on REAL SANDWICHES!! No wonder no man will go near her, the porcine, ugly, fat BITCH!

Carry on, Pumpstangel!

4. Teeri

I have NOTHING to say about this grotesque SPECTACLE! Look at her! With her ghastly hair, her ghastly shoes, and her ghastly clothes! You’d think she’d know how to dress, having just starred in the most earth-shattering movie event the world’s ever seen! But no! THE DUMB, BADLY-DRESSED BITCH!

Thanks a lot for that, Pumpstangel!

Next Time: Pumpstangel casts his evil glance over this year’s Paris/London Fashion Splasher.

Big Brother 9 Day 18

June 11, 2008

Backfire two seconds before Faff rapes him to win this week\'s task

Meanwhile, The O-Cube interrupted Faff and Melanoma’s discussion on early-16th Century Humanists to waggle his cock in their faces.

Meanwhile, Oid (the outrageous gay) filled up a bucket with his own excrement and threw it at one of the house’s mirrors,

“Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” he said, into the middle-distance.

Meanwhile, Lucy-Pumps and Tablet’s love grows stronger as every day goes by. Having survived Trial by Fire, the two love-birds spend their days in the Pump Room, licking each other’s horrifying burns, whilst Tablet boasts how far he can push his penis up Lucy-Pump’s vagina,

“It’ll easily pass your kidneys,” he was heard to whisper. “In all honesty, it’s best just shoved up your rectum like wot they do in porno movies and France.”

Meanwhile, Backfire has found a mouldering corpse in the garden! Bisexual Backfire didn’t know where to look when his half-arsed attempt at weeding unearthed the rotting cadaver – so he gouged out his own eyes with a trowel! Screaming, he collapsed dead of shock near the Mangling House. The funeral is on Friday – no flowers.

Tomorrow: Pringle finds Super Feminist Mangella’s comments on phalluses bewildering, and Faff farts into a cradle.

Is This Tit Worry Time For Naked Kate?

June 6, 2008

Artist\'s impression of what Kate Moss\'s right tit probably looks like

‘Close friends’ of bone-thin stupidoid Kate Moss suggest the retarded former jizzmop of spangle-eyed fuckwit Pete Doherty is suffering from Michter’s Mammary Droop-Milk Syndrome. Kate (80) was spotted wandering around in London’s fashionable Left End, when she was spotted by, and fakely worried about by, eagle-eyed papacrappsies. They noticed the waif-like nitwit’s right tit dangling beneath her belt line, with all milk dripping off it.

“Michter’s Mammary Droop-Milk Syndrome is an illness common to celebrities,” Gabriel O’Dangtananagarivo, BC&B’s resident celebrity doctor told our reporters. “It commonly manifests in a drooping right knocker, with all milk coming out of the end. If left untreated it can lead to a complete rectal prolapse, severe anal bleeding, and colour blindness. I suggest Miss Moss goes somewhere for treatment … and fast!

Kate is said to be considering her future in light of her new breast condition.

“She’s wondering whether to get it professionally seen to,” a close friend of the idiot model told us, “or if it’s alright just to have at it with a Stanley knife and a bottle of meths.”

World’s Least Popular Action Star Spills Beans

June 6, 2008

Urine-soaked Statham flies into rage after drowning child in swimming pool

Uncontrollable pissing machine Jason Staham has admitted publicly what flaff sites have gossiped about for eight minutes now – that he’s a cunt, and has a bladder problem. Hard-man Statham (55) broke down at the press conference for his new sci-fi actioner, The Inseminoids, tearfully telling waiting journoshits and papanazis that he couldn’t take the rumours any more.

“Alright, I’ll admit it – I’m a big cunt and I can’t stop pissing my trousers!” thundered the two foot tall ‘actor’. “I’ve never been able to control my bladder, not never. When I was in the playground girls used to laugh at me as it poured all out me shorts. One day, I got so angry at the taunts of my contempories, I balled my fists into mallet shapes and went clobbering. I was ten, and broke a six year old girl’s legs … and I’d do it again!

Journoscum then laughed and laughed at Mr. Statham over his micturation antics (even when he told them to give over), some of them throwing rubber underpants at the red-faced star. Enraged, he pulled himself up to his full height (one foot), and launched his ammonia-soaked frame at the throng of newshounds, gutterknackers and photofuckers.

“I’ll tear your fucking eyes out, y’hear?” bellowed the piss-drenched star, before slipping on a piss puddle and snapping his own neck.

Violent Celebrity News

May 29, 2008

Miss Campbell models the new \'Tits Almost Out\' range by Vespasian Wheeliebinerotti

Shitwit model Naomi Campbell has been formally charged with the alleged murder of a Heathrow Airport policeman, BC&B has learnt from reading someone else’s flaff website a couple of minutes ago.

Campbell (73) allegedly killed the policeman in 2006 when he dared to look the millionairess supermodel retard clothes horse directly in the eye.

“NOBODY looks me in the eye!” screamed Campbell allegedly, before plunging the fabled Dagger of Minirrak-Ra into the screaming bobby’s heart, allegedly, the court was told. She then allegedly stormed off to have a tantrum near a man selling some pens.

If Miss Campbell is found guilty, the court is likely to pass a sentence of death. Rumours suggest the method of execution will involve shoving every single copy of Campbell’s appalling ‘novel’ Swan up her arse. When they’re all up there, the bad-tempered supermodel will be chained to a rock and fed to a kraken.

The case continues.

Big Brother 9 – The Boys

May 29, 2008

BC&B – the official sponsor of Channel 4’s Big Brother – has been given exclusive access to the new retards going into the house this year. In the first part of our Big Brother special, we introduce you to the boys …

Faff’s a simple soul. With an IQ of just 23, he spends the average day walking round and round and round an unopened can of beans. When he’s not doing that, he’s breaking into cars or filming random acts of senseless violence on a mobile phone he stole from an eight year old. Faff is six foot tall, and says his main ambition in life is to burn down the Warrington branch of Job Centre Plus after his claims adviser disrespected him. When asked to explain what ‘disrespect’ means, Faff stared into the middle distance, then farted.

Backfire describes himself as ‘an individual gay bisexual male looking for fun’. His outraged Lebanese father prefers to call him ‘an affront to God’ and ‘a waste of my seed’. When he’s not painting pictures an infant would be ashamed of, Backfire plays bass in his band – Toxic Death Shock Valentine. The Marchmount & District Telegraph described Backfire’s band as ‘a hopeless joke’. Backfire hopes to go into the media when he leaves the North Lincolnshire Robo-Polyversity for the Mentally Unaware. He hopes to work for E4 as a flaffer.

Tablet’s the cat that won’t cop out, even when there’s danger all about. He’s a bad mother, a sex machine to all the chicks, and would happily risk his neck for his brother man. “I’m a complicated man,” laughs Tablet, “and no one understands me but my woman.” Tablet raddles internal organs from the freshly-slaughtered carcasses of pigs in his local slaughterhouse, and wants to marry Geri Halliwell for her money. Can you dig it?

The O-Cube (real name: Maurice Pomanderer Jnr.) describes himself as an ‘urban experimental graffiti terrorist’. Nottingham County Court judge Alan Williams described him as ‘a persistent nuisance’ at The O-Cube’s recent trial for vandalism and criminal damage. “I’m a warrior,” The O-Cube mutters. “When I’m not blowing your mind with my visions, I’m mashing your ears with my banging tunes, you get me?” In reality, when The O-Cube isn’t completing his 125 hour community service order, he’s cleaning the toilets in Woolworth’s. A waste of space.

Sensitive Pringle wishes the whole world would just live in peace. Except for his mum – a woman he wants dead because she won’t give him money to go to Poppy’s eighteenth on Saturday. Pringle divides his time between college, where he’s studying ‘A’ Levels in Media Studies, Drama and Art, and sitting in his bedroom slashing his wrists as he absorbs My Chemical Romance’s second album. His girlfriend, Zoot Flowerbeam, recently committed suicide to see how many messages of condolence she would receive on Bebo.

“I’m outrageously gay, darling!” bellows This Year’s Gay, Oid Smith. Call centre worker Oid is never happier than when he’s dressing as his alter-ego, Lilly Marspain, a ponderous drag act he hoofs around Manchester’s gay scene in his continuous battle to remain outrageous. Fifty seven year old Oid was recently rushed to hospital when a film he was making for pornography upload site RedTube went horribly wrong. “I had no idea light bulbs were that fragile,” winces Oid.

Tomorrow: Meet the appalling collection of girls Channel 4 have managed to find in the skips and bins of Great Britain.

Pumpstangel’s Weekly Celebrity Flaff Round-Up

May 28, 2008

Pumpstangel sees ALL

Each week, BC&B’s outrageous gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, casts his beady eye over the world of celebrity, then licks its tits with his acid tongue. Then writes about it.

BEYONCE BITES OFF MORE COCK THAN SHE CAN CHEW

Beyonce showing off her ass to tramps

That whore Beyonce Knowles is doing the dirrrrty behind bodybuilder boyfriend Pump Thruster’s back! Knowles (40) was caught giving a blowjob to a tramp in a skip outside Hollywood’s fashionable Hollmullond Rodeoway Burger King. “I just love giving head to the homeless!” Beyonce purred!

Pumpstangel’s verdict – You big-assed, tramp cock suckin’ BITCH!

FRUIT-LOOP CONNOLLY FUCKED BY ICE-MEN

Jennifer Connolly shows off her insane backside

Fears grow for the sanity of that bitch, Jennifer Connolly. A girlfriend tells me she was seen walking up New York’s famous Broadgate & Tenth in carpet slippers with a cat up her ass! Passersby say Connolly looked confused, and had to be led into a nearby ice hockey rink … where she was sexually assaulted by the New York Shits reserve squad!

Pumpsatgel’s verdict – You head-handicapped, cat-up-yer-ass, raped by a hockey team BITCH!

FAT ZELLWEGER SHOWS OFF FAT BODY AT FUNERAL

Zellweger shows how fat she is now at a friend\'s funeral

My celebrity photographer boyfriend, Hans Von Scumschtuffel, took this shot at the funeral of a close friend of Hollywood A-Lister, Rene Zellweger. Eagle-eyed flaff-spotters can clearly see the bitch has put on over an ounce in weight since her last role in Brad Funkuncle’s action movie, Pissstinger Nazi Bitches Eat Las Vegas. Friends close to the bloated star say she is going to try the Hollywood Skin-Flaying Diet in a last ditch attempt to lose that ounce.

Pumpstangel’s verdict – I wouldn’t bother, Rene, you fat, has-been, balloon-faced, dead friend-mourning BITCH!

More catty gay celebrity gossip next week. Keep pumpin’ – keep Pumpstangel.

Winslet Tit-Girth Size Worries Grow

May 26, 2008

Winslet, yesterday, with slightly larger boobs

BC&B’s resident Celebrity Scandal Sniffer, Tony Brounts, has heard worrying rumours that plump Kate Winslet is PUTTING ON WEIGHT. Scientists have examined these two images – taken three years apart – and, using a powerful scientific electron microscope, have discovered her tits are a staggering 0.00008 millimetres bigger than they were!

“This is terrible news for Kate,” Brounts told BC&B over a scotch egg and pineapple baguette. “She’s already had to deal with VD, crabs, and herpes, and now her tits are microscopically bigger too! How she’s going to get any more film parts in movies is anyone’s guess … she’s ugly now – hideously ugly.”

Miss Winslet’s agent, Johnny Five, has denied Brounts’ claims. In a thunderous press release, Mr. Five calls Brounts a ‘hapless, lying hack’ with the ‘intellectual capacity of a small orange or labial apple’. He goes on to state that Miss. Winslet’s tits remain the same size – a whopping 44 ZZ!

“No Place For Fat Celebrities In Perfect Fatless World,” Claims Gay Celebrity Commentator

May 26, 2008

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“Look at this fat bitch!” laughs BC&B’s ruthless Gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel. “How does a celebrity like Britney Spears think we’re going to want to buy her awful records when she looks like a fat hippopotamus sucking a horse’s cock, darling? She’s so fat, she makes fat people look thin! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

Seamus Pumpstangel – You GO, girl! Miaow!