Archive for the ‘Celebrity Genitals’ Category

Big Brother 9 Day 18

June 11, 2008

Backfire two seconds before Faff rapes him to win this week\'s task

Meanwhile, The O-Cube interrupted Faff and Melanoma’s discussion on early-16th Century Humanists to waggle his cock in their faces.

Meanwhile, Oid (the outrageous gay) filled up a bucket with his own excrement and threw it at one of the house’s mirrors,

“Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” he said, into the middle-distance.

Meanwhile, Lucy-Pumps and Tablet’s love grows stronger as every day goes by. Having survived Trial by Fire, the two love-birds spend their days in the Pump Room, licking each other’s horrifying burns, whilst Tablet boasts how far he can push his penis up Lucy-Pump’s vagina,

“It’ll easily pass your kidneys,” he was heard to whisper. “In all honesty, it’s best just shoved up your rectum like wot they do in porno movies and France.”

Meanwhile, Backfire has found a mouldering corpse in the garden! Bisexual Backfire didn’t know where to look when his half-arsed attempt at weeding unearthed the rotting cadaver – so he gouged out his own eyes with a trowel! Screaming, he collapsed dead of shock near the Mangling House. The funeral is on Friday – no flowers.

Tomorrow: Pringle finds Super Feminist Mangella’s comments on phalluses bewildering, and Faff farts into a cradle.

World’s Least Popular Action Star Spills Beans

June 6, 2008

Urine-soaked Statham flies into rage after drowning child in swimming pool

Uncontrollable pissing machine Jason Staham has admitted publicly what flaff sites have gossiped about for eight minutes now – that he’s a cunt, and has a bladder problem. Hard-man Statham (55) broke down at the press conference for his new sci-fi actioner, The Inseminoids, tearfully telling waiting journoshits and papanazis that he couldn’t take the rumours any more.

“Alright, I’ll admit it – I’m a big cunt and I can’t stop pissing my trousers!” thundered the two foot tall ‘actor’. “I’ve never been able to control my bladder, not never. When I was in the playground girls used to laugh at me as it poured all out me shorts. One day, I got so angry at the taunts of my contempories, I balled my fists into mallet shapes and went clobbering. I was ten, and broke a six year old girl’s legs … and I’d do it again!

Journoscum then laughed and laughed at Mr. Statham over his micturation antics (even when he told them to give over), some of them throwing rubber underpants at the red-faced star. Enraged, he pulled himself up to his full height (one foot), and launched his ammonia-soaked frame at the throng of newshounds, gutterknackers and photofuckers.

“I’ll tear your fucking eyes out, y’hear?” bellowed the piss-drenched star, before slipping on a piss puddle and snapping his own neck.

Weisz Has Fattest Labia, GOSSTEPPER Magazine Claims

May 26, 2008

Miss. Weisz relaxes half-naked as she furiously denies having an enormous labia

“Brendan Fraser’s seen it twice, and he says it’s a big labia,” says GOSSTEPPER‘s Editor-In-Chief, Ho Slags, speaking of award-winning actress Rachel Weisz’s labia. “Apparently, each side looks a bit like a fat apple … or something as fat as an apple. Like a pear, maybe? A fat pear?”

But Weisz’s publicist, Morty Mortensensen, denies Fraser and GOSSTEPPER‘s claims.

“Rachel Weisz’s labia is no bigger or smaller than any other celebrity labia. It’s probably the same size as Anna Friel‘s, another English Rose actress with a labia.”

Weisz was unavailable to comment on the claim that she has a grotesquely malformed labia (the vaginal equivalent of hunchbackery), as she is currently busy working with Baz Spazzman on his new film, Whore In New York Git FUNkeeee.