Archive for the ‘Celebrity Sex’ Category

Urban Boob Blow For Songstress

June 12, 2008

Avril Lavigne shows her infected tits off in a walk-in fridge, yesterday

Avril Lavigne has announced her retirement from pop music after a scan revealed her tits are turning into cities. Her agent, Hoivy Wienenbleimenblum, told BC&B:

“Avril has no other option but to call it a day after her doctor told her she’s suffering from Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. It’s a disease that only affects Canadian celebrity singers and is fatal, I’m afraid. It’s a terrible shame really – as Avril’s agent, I’d very much hoped to get my hands on those tits before she hit 25.”

Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis is a disease that slowly turns the tits into exact copies of Barcelona and Rio De Janeiro. The infected tits can be sensitive to light, touch, heat and earthquakes, and can grow quickly out of control unless regular demolition takes place.

There is no known cure for Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. Sufferers usually collapse under the weight of their own tits before being buried beneath an ever-growing network of sewage pipes, ultility lines, and underground railway systems.

Big Brother 9 Day 18

June 11, 2008

Backfire two seconds before Faff rapes him to win this week\'s task

Meanwhile, The O-Cube interrupted Faff and Melanoma’s discussion on early-16th Century Humanists to waggle his cock in their faces.

Meanwhile, Oid (the outrageous gay) filled up a bucket with his own excrement and threw it at one of the house’s mirrors,

“Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” he said, into the middle-distance.

Meanwhile, Lucy-Pumps and Tablet’s love grows stronger as every day goes by. Having survived Trial by Fire, the two love-birds spend their days in the Pump Room, licking each other’s horrifying burns, whilst Tablet boasts how far he can push his penis up Lucy-Pump’s vagina,

“It’ll easily pass your kidneys,” he was heard to whisper. “In all honesty, it’s best just shoved up your rectum like wot they do in porno movies and France.”

Meanwhile, Backfire has found a mouldering corpse in the garden! Bisexual Backfire didn’t know where to look when his half-arsed attempt at weeding unearthed the rotting cadaver – so he gouged out his own eyes with a trowel! Screaming, he collapsed dead of shock near the Mangling House. The funeral is on Friday – no flowers.

Tomorrow: Pringle finds Super Feminist Mangella’s comments on phalluses bewildering, and Faff farts into a cradle.

World’s Least Popular Action Star Spills Beans

June 6, 2008

Urine-soaked Statham flies into rage after drowning child in swimming pool

Uncontrollable pissing machine Jason Staham has admitted publicly what flaff sites have gossiped about for eight minutes now – that he’s a cunt, and has a bladder problem. Hard-man Statham (55) broke down at the press conference for his new sci-fi actioner, The Inseminoids, tearfully telling waiting journoshits and papanazis that he couldn’t take the rumours any more.

“Alright, I’ll admit it – I’m a big cunt and I can’t stop pissing my trousers!” thundered the two foot tall ‘actor’. “I’ve never been able to control my bladder, not never. When I was in the playground girls used to laugh at me as it poured all out me shorts. One day, I got so angry at the taunts of my contempories, I balled my fists into mallet shapes and went clobbering. I was ten, and broke a six year old girl’s legs … and I’d do it again!

Journoscum then laughed and laughed at Mr. Statham over his micturation antics (even when he told them to give over), some of them throwing rubber underpants at the red-faced star. Enraged, he pulled himself up to his full height (one foot), and launched his ammonia-soaked frame at the throng of newshounds, gutterknackers and photofuckers.

“I’ll tear your fucking eyes out, y’hear?” bellowed the piss-drenched star, before slipping on a piss puddle and snapping his own neck.

Pumpstangel’s Weekly Celebrity Flaff Round-Up

May 28, 2008

Pumpstangel sees ALL

Each week, BC&B’s outrageous gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, casts his beady eye over the world of celebrity, then licks its tits with his acid tongue. Then writes about it.

BEYONCE BITES OFF MORE COCK THAN SHE CAN CHEW

Beyonce showing off her ass to tramps

That whore Beyonce Knowles is doing the dirrrrty behind bodybuilder boyfriend Pump Thruster’s back! Knowles (40) was caught giving a blowjob to a tramp in a skip outside Hollywood’s fashionable Hollmullond Rodeoway Burger King. “I just love giving head to the homeless!” Beyonce purred!

Pumpstangel’s verdict – You big-assed, tramp cock suckin’ BITCH!

FRUIT-LOOP CONNOLLY FUCKED BY ICE-MEN

Jennifer Connolly shows off her insane backside

Fears grow for the sanity of that bitch, Jennifer Connolly. A girlfriend tells me she was seen walking up New York’s famous Broadgate & Tenth in carpet slippers with a cat up her ass! Passersby say Connolly looked confused, and had to be led into a nearby ice hockey rink … where she was sexually assaulted by the New York Shits reserve squad!

Pumpsatgel’s verdict – You head-handicapped, cat-up-yer-ass, raped by a hockey team BITCH!

FAT ZELLWEGER SHOWS OFF FAT BODY AT FUNERAL

Zellweger shows how fat she is now at a friend\'s funeral

My celebrity photographer boyfriend, Hans Von Scumschtuffel, took this shot at the funeral of a close friend of Hollywood A-Lister, Rene Zellweger. Eagle-eyed flaff-spotters can clearly see the bitch has put on over an ounce in weight since her last role in Brad Funkuncle’s action movie, Pissstinger Nazi Bitches Eat Las Vegas. Friends close to the bloated star say she is going to try the Hollywood Skin-Flaying Diet in a last ditch attempt to lose that ounce.

Pumpstangel’s verdict – I wouldn’t bother, Rene, you fat, has-been, balloon-faced, dead friend-mourning BITCH!

More catty gay celebrity gossip next week. Keep pumpin’ – keep Pumpstangel.

“I Only Licked The Shaft,” Denies Apprentice Has-Been Raef Underpants

May 26, 2008

Raef appears on TV to deny \'Greek\' rumours

Our ruthless gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, has erupted a furious war of words with former Apprentice boy/man, Raef Underpants. Underpants (60) was accused of using his mouth on the flange of fellow Apprenticee, Michael Gelps-Aristophenes’s man-hammer.

“I didn’t,” lied wordsmith Raef, when BC&B caught up with him in a San Francisco bath house full of nude men dressed as Roman soldiers. “It was a terrible misunderstanding. I was looking for a copy of the Radio Times in Michael’s thong, when I slipped and didn’t lick the underside of his flange.”

But acid-tongued Pumpstangel laughed at Raef’s denial.

“Oh, this is such bullshit, darling! Everyone in that god-damned house knows Raef ran his tongue along that shaft. Even Lee, who is mentally retarded, managed to tape it on his mobile phone! I give Raef Underpants the Seamus Pumpstangel Secret Gay Pant-Pumpstangel Award of the Week Award!”

Weisz Has Fattest Labia, GOSSTEPPER Magazine Claims

May 26, 2008

Miss. Weisz relaxes half-naked as she furiously denies having an enormous labia

“Brendan Fraser’s seen it twice, and he says it’s a big labia,” says GOSSTEPPER‘s Editor-In-Chief, Ho Slags, speaking of award-winning actress Rachel Weisz’s labia. “Apparently, each side looks a bit like a fat apple … or something as fat as an apple. Like a pear, maybe? A fat pear?”

But Weisz’s publicist, Morty Mortensensen, denies Fraser and GOSSTEPPER‘s claims.

“Rachel Weisz’s labia is no bigger or smaller than any other celebrity labia. It’s probably the same size as Anna Friel‘s, another English Rose actress with a labia.”

Weisz was unavailable to comment on the claim that she has a grotesquely malformed labia (the vaginal equivalent of hunchbackery), as she is currently busy working with Baz Spazzman on his new film, Whore In New York Git FUNkeeee.

Lohan’s Anus Damaged In Drunken Anal Fallback Disaster – Corbett Blamed

May 26, 2008

Miss Lohan, just prior to her anal accident five minutes ago

Frightning piss-artist, Lindsay Lohan (20), was rushed to hospital ten minutes ago after a drunken stunt involving a bottle of Jack Daniels, a tube of anal sex lubricant, and a running machine left her suffering massive anal and internal injuries.

Miss Lohan, who is currently filming the new Brad Titlag movie, Shitsplitters IV, had squeezed the anal lubricant up her arse prior to getting drunk and going running indoors. Within minutes she had lost her footing and flew backwards, impaling her anus on popular entertainer Ronnie Corbett’s giant penis.

“It was a mystery,” a flappered Corbett went and told BC&B. “I was passing the naked and drunk Miss. Lohan with my enormous cock out on my way to meet Bruce Forsyth. Miss. Lohan slipped back and skewered her bottom up to my balls. I could feel all warm guts up there, so I gave her a seeing-to, Corbett-style.”

Corbett – who is the father of 1970s rag and bone man, Harry H. Corbett – immediately called an ambulance after he’d finished sodomising Miss. Lohan.

“I was up there about an hour … maybe an hour and a half. How long does it take to read a Haynes manual from cover to cover? I was up there that long.”

Miss. Lohan is destined to be humanely put down later his evening. To ease her suffering, doctors will be using a cannon and a brick wall covered in all nails, broken glass and live snakes. No, ghost snakes – THE WORST SORT OF SNAKES.

“Why Can’t I Suck A Cock In Space?” Demands Paris

May 26, 2008

Miss Hilton shows off her tits prior to sucking a cock, yesterday

Jizz-spattered celebrity fuckportal, Paris Hilton (50), has hit back at NASA for their refusal to take her and her lover – Big John McLaughlin – up into space so she can suck his cock … in space.

“I’ve sucked ’em in a bedroom, and I’ve sucked ’em in a barn,” a naked Paris told BC&B as she sat in a bath of jism, “and I’ve sucked ’em on top of the Empire State Building. I was the last woman to suck a cock in Windows On The World – the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center – and I was the first woman to suck a cock in the Millennium Dome. Now Big John McLaughlin wants to get that cock of his in my mouth in space. And I want to let him … IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!” she thundered.

But NASA’s head of Sex/Space Research, Tony Tappfalladers, told BC&B he wasn’t happy about the talentless airheaded heiress’s attempts to go suckin’ the bone in space.

“I don’t want her up there,” he said, eating some soup. “She’ll interfere with the instruments, Big John’s arse will nudge astronauts as they try flying to Jupiter, and there’ll be all jism up the pipes and in the speedometer. We at NASA can’t have that.”

Now Paris has vowed to take NASA to court in an attempt to legally enforce them to let her chow down on Big John’s horse-like meat hammer.

“I’ll force ’em to let me suck that cock in space,” she told us, as she painted the word ‘TWIT’ on her outer labia.

The case continues.