Archive for the ‘Celebrity On The Bone’ Category

Ring O’ Ring O’ Racists For ‘Ashamed’ Liv

June 19, 2008

Liv Tyler prepares to be mounted by her husband, The Incredible Hulk

Liv Tyler has admitted she’s ‘ashamed’ of her body after sources close to the Hulk actress revealed her abdomen is covered in all racists from the olden days.

“Liv’s devastated,” a close friend told BC&B. “She was just about to film her first sex scene with the Hulk when she noticed pimples had appeared in a ring around her belly button. Within days they’d grown into the heads of famous racists such as Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Adolf Hitler. She tried going back to work, but in a scene where the Hulk was supposed to push his big veiny green cock up Liv’s arse, the racists started spouting racist abuse and telling smutty stories. The film company had to use a body double, and Liv lost fifty pounds out of her wage packet that week.”

This isn’t the first time a major Hollywood actress has succumbed to an outbreak of racists. In 1992, Sharon Stone had to halt filming of her interrogation scene in Basic Instinct when Enoch Powell stuck his head out of her vagina and began warning cast and crew members about ‘a tide of blacks’.

Sex & The City & Pumpstangel

June 11, 2008

BITCHES

This week, BC&B’s resident acid tongued Celebrity-Breaker casts his weary eye over the Sex & The City Trollop Quartet.

1. Clarry

Oh … my … GOD! Yes, this BITCH is in the MOST IMPORTANT FLAFF MOVIE EVER MADE, but does that mean she has to look like an anorexic whore-bitch transexual???? This girl SERIOUSLY wants to get out of those knickers and stick her bony ass in a FATTERNATOR. How flat are this bitch’s tits? TOO FLAT!!!! That’s how flat!

You stick it to ’em, Pumstangel!

2. Porse

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S GOT A CAVERNOUS VAGINA, DARLING! I’ll bet you could stick a skyscraper up this BITCH’s pocket … AND SHE WOULDN’T NOTICE A FUCKING THING! OK, I’ll give her the fact she’s in the greatest tittle-tattlefest since The Devil Wears Prada, but purrrr-LEASE! Have you seen those DOG-TIT tits? They’re flapping about like a spent sphincter after a good seeing-to from Errol Flynn’s Tasmanian Man-Hammer!!!! 10 for the film, sweetie … 0 for the hound’s flabbers!

Tell it like it is, Pumpstangel!

3. Bo-Nella

Where to start? Has this BITCH not heard of liposuction, darling? LOOK AT HER!!! She looks like she’s been feasting on more than cock-sandwiches – like her character in the world’s finest jibber-jabber movie! – she looks like she’s been feasting on REAL SANDWICHES!! No wonder no man will go near her, the porcine, ugly, fat BITCH!

Carry on, Pumpstangel!

4. Teeri

I have NOTHING to say about this grotesque SPECTACLE! Look at her! With her ghastly hair, her ghastly shoes, and her ghastly clothes! You’d think she’d know how to dress, having just starred in the most earth-shattering movie event the world’s ever seen! But no! THE DUMB, BADLY-DRESSED BITCH!

Thanks a lot for that, Pumpstangel!

Next Time: Pumpstangel casts his evil glance over this year’s Paris/London Fashion Splasher.

The Apprentice – The Final Five … No! Four!

June 6, 2008

Due to a technical issue, BC&B was unable to complete its round-up of the awful chatterboxes who make up this year’s Apprentice final five. Thankfully, the one who was sacked (Lucinda Tumpkins) has already been covered here, so sticking the other two idiots up after the horse has bolted doesn’t screw anything up (much). So here, then, are the final two of the final five that are now four but were five when we first started this coverage last week … ahem …

Claire Flabberts

Claire and boyfriend Wayne on their £25 wedding day

Motor-mouth Claire Flabberts grew up on a council estate in Britain’s only Third World county – Derbyshire. For many years she lived on a steady diet of beans, bread and Utterly Butterly fed to her by her prostitute mother, Marlene Dietrichterscale Flabberts – a calamitous calorific calumny that gave her the colossal figure the British public bear horrified witness to today. Cursed from an early age with pendulous udders, Claire doesn’t see her massive tits or utter stupidity as a barrier to success.

“Words words words words words,” she snorts through her snout. “Words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words!”

“Words words words words words,” she added.

Loves
Saying things without first bothering to find out what they mean
YouTube videos of Ba’ath Party officials’ executions
Watching the cancerous die

Hates
Wops

Marital Status
Untouchable

Ambition
To produce Yoplait from her udders – strawberry from the left, chocolate from the right

Verdict
BEARS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO A TYPICAL SKID-ROW PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS AT THE TAIL-END OF HER CAREER WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY, UP TO AND INCLUDING ANIMAL, OVERWEIGHT PREGNANT LESBIAN, AND PISSING FILMS

Alex ‘Crackhammer’ Crackhammer

An artist\'s impression of how anorexic Alex would look as a musclebound knife fighter

For bisexual anorexic bulimic Alex, it’s all about bums, novelty leather costumes and having fun, fun, fun. A familiar sight at Manchester’s annual Pride march, Alex yearns for the day when we can all live in peace regardless of what eating disorders we’ve chosen to suffer from.

“I imagine a world where it’s a bit like a house,” he incomprehensively mutters. “Like, if you had The Jackson Five, ABBA and some Chineses all living together, yes? And they all got along? Am I making sense? I think I’m making sense … think of a pyramid, yes? With The Jackson Five in it? Except they’re not all black people and you cut out the paedophile?”

If Alex wins The Apprentice he promises to bring harmony to Alan Sugar’s company by throwing up his regular luncheon of peas and boiled egg on to the boardroom table.

Likes
The Jackson Five

Dislikes
Racial prejudice
Intolerance
Arabs

Marital Status
Looking for love – though would accept loveless domestic abuse and a life of terrified servitude

Ambition
To break wind for the first time

Verdict
SKIN + BONES = AFFORDABLE COCAINE HABIT + NICE FLAT?

Tune in next week as BC&B criticises the winner of this year’s Apprentice.

Pumpstangel’s Weekly Celebrity Flaff Round-Up

May 28, 2008

Pumpstangel sees ALL

Each week, BC&B’s outrageous gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, casts his beady eye over the world of celebrity, then licks its tits with his acid tongue. Then writes about it.

BEYONCE BITES OFF MORE COCK THAN SHE CAN CHEW

Beyonce showing off her ass to tramps

That whore Beyonce Knowles is doing the dirrrrty behind bodybuilder boyfriend Pump Thruster’s back! Knowles (40) was caught giving a blowjob to a tramp in a skip outside Hollywood’s fashionable Hollmullond Rodeoway Burger King. “I just love giving head to the homeless!” Beyonce purred!

Pumpstangel’s verdict – You big-assed, tramp cock suckin’ BITCH!

FRUIT-LOOP CONNOLLY FUCKED BY ICE-MEN

Jennifer Connolly shows off her insane backside

Fears grow for the sanity of that bitch, Jennifer Connolly. A girlfriend tells me she was seen walking up New York’s famous Broadgate & Tenth in carpet slippers with a cat up her ass! Passersby say Connolly looked confused, and had to be led into a nearby ice hockey rink … where she was sexually assaulted by the New York Shits reserve squad!

Pumpsatgel’s verdict – You head-handicapped, cat-up-yer-ass, raped by a hockey team BITCH!

FAT ZELLWEGER SHOWS OFF FAT BODY AT FUNERAL

Zellweger shows how fat she is now at a friend\'s funeral

My celebrity photographer boyfriend, Hans Von Scumschtuffel, took this shot at the funeral of a close friend of Hollywood A-Lister, Rene Zellweger. Eagle-eyed flaff-spotters can clearly see the bitch has put on over an ounce in weight since her last role in Brad Funkuncle’s action movie, Pissstinger Nazi Bitches Eat Las Vegas. Friends close to the bloated star say she is going to try the Hollywood Skin-Flaying Diet in a last ditch attempt to lose that ounce.

Pumpstangel’s verdict – I wouldn’t bother, Rene, you fat, has-been, balloon-faced, dead friend-mourning BITCH!

More catty gay celebrity gossip next week. Keep pumpin’ – keep Pumpstangel.

Beckham ‘Under Knife’ Speculation By Media Flaff-Press Guru

May 26, 2008

Victoria Beckham sports this season\'s new \'Bone Look\' tomorrow

News coming down the tittle-tattle pipe suggests Victoria Beckham has been under the knife again!

Online celebrity jammersite TWAT! believes the emaciated anorexic moron has had a quart of bull’s shit injected directly into her hideous face.

“If you look closely under her chins,” Wanko McTonypandy, TWAT!‘s Flaff Editor told BC&B, “you’ll see a shitline that wasn’t there twenty minutes ago. Flaffmerchants such as me believe this is Victoria’s latest attempt at keeping up with those other bonebags from the Sex & The City movie … THE MOST IMPORTANT TATTLE PICTURE EVER MADE!”