The Apprentice – The Final Five … No! Four!

Due to a technical issue, BC&B was unable to complete its round-up of the awful chatterboxes who make up this year’s Apprentice final five. Thankfully, the one who was sacked (Lucinda Tumpkins) has already been covered here, so sticking the other two idiots up after the horse has bolted doesn’t screw anything up (much). So here, then, are the final two of the final five that are now four but were five when we first started this coverage last week … ahem …

Claire Flabberts

Claire and boyfriend Wayne on their £25 wedding day

Motor-mouth Claire Flabberts grew up on a council estate in Britain’s only Third World county – Derbyshire. For many years she lived on a steady diet of beans, bread and Utterly Butterly fed to her by her prostitute mother, Marlene Dietrichterscale Flabberts – a calamitous calorific calumny that gave her the colossal figure the British public bear horrified witness to today. Cursed from an early age with pendulous udders, Claire doesn’t see her massive tits or utter stupidity as a barrier to success.

“Words words words words words,” she snorts through her snout. “Words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words!”

“Words words words words words,” she added.

Loves
Saying things without first bothering to find out what they mean
YouTube videos of Ba’ath Party officials’ executions
Watching the cancerous die

Hates
Wops

Marital Status
Untouchable

Ambition
To produce Yoplait from her udders – strawberry from the left, chocolate from the right

Verdict
BEARS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO A TYPICAL SKID-ROW PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS AT THE TAIL-END OF HER CAREER WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY, UP TO AND INCLUDING ANIMAL, OVERWEIGHT PREGNANT LESBIAN, AND PISSING FILMS

Alex ‘Crackhammer’ Crackhammer

An artist\'s impression of how anorexic Alex would look as a musclebound knife fighter

For bisexual anorexic bulimic Alex, it’s all about bums, novelty leather costumes and having fun, fun, fun. A familiar sight at Manchester’s annual Pride march, Alex yearns for the day when we can all live in peace regardless of what eating disorders we’ve chosen to suffer from.

“I imagine a world where it’s a bit like a house,” he incomprehensively mutters. “Like, if you had The Jackson Five, ABBA and some Chineses all living together, yes? And they all got along? Am I making sense? I think I’m making sense … think of a pyramid, yes? With The Jackson Five in it? Except they’re not all black people and you cut out the paedophile?”

If Alex wins The Apprentice he promises to bring harmony to Alan Sugar’s company by throwing up his regular luncheon of peas and boiled egg on to the boardroom table.

Likes
The Jackson Five

Dislikes
Racial prejudice
Intolerance
Arabs

Marital Status
Looking for love – though would accept loveless domestic abuse and a life of terrified servitude

Ambition
To break wind for the first time

Verdict
SKIN + BONES = AFFORDABLE COCAINE HABIT + NICE FLAT?

Tune in next week as BC&B criticises the winner of this year’s Apprentice.

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