Archive for May, 2008

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 3

May 30, 2008

Lucinda Tumpkins and friends

Lucinda Wendyhouse Tumpkins

“My name is Lucinda and I went to the seaside with my bear friend and my yellow haired friend and my other friend that I don’t know what he is. We collected shells and made sandcastles and went in the sea. My bear friend was taken away by the policemen when he was caught doing something in the boy’s toilets that nobody would tell me what it was. Then my yellow haired friend was arrested when he was caught taking photographs in the boy’s changing rooms at the baths and that just left my other friend that I don’t know what he is. I don’t like my other friend that I don’t know what he is I hate him I hate him I hate him. My name is Lucinda and this is what I done did on my holidays.”


Silly Boys

Marital Status

To marry a handsome prince and live in a castle happily ever after for ever and ever and ever


Violent Celebrity News

May 29, 2008

Miss Campbell models the new \'Tits Almost Out\' range by Vespasian Wheeliebinerotti

Shitwit model Naomi Campbell has been formally charged with the alleged murder of a Heathrow Airport policeman, BC&B has learnt from reading someone else’s flaff website a couple of minutes ago.

Campbell (73) allegedly killed the policeman in 2006 when he dared to look the millionairess supermodel retard clothes horse directly in the eye.

“NOBODY looks me in the eye!” screamed Campbell allegedly, before plunging the fabled Dagger of Minirrak-Ra into the screaming bobby’s heart, allegedly, the court was told. She then allegedly stormed off to have a tantrum near a man selling some pens.

If Miss Campbell is found guilty, the court is likely to pass a sentence of death. Rumours suggest the method of execution will involve shoving every single copy of Campbell’s appalling ‘novel’ Swan up her arse. When they’re all up there, the bad-tempered supermodel will be chained to a rock and fed to a kraken.

The case continues.

Big Brother 9 – The Boys

May 29, 2008

BC&B – the official sponsor of Channel 4’s Big Brother – has been given exclusive access to the new retards going into the house this year. In the first part of our Big Brother special, we introduce you to the boys …

Faff’s a simple soul. With an IQ of just 23, he spends the average day walking round and round and round an unopened can of beans. When he’s not doing that, he’s breaking into cars or filming random acts of senseless violence on a mobile phone he stole from an eight year old. Faff is six foot tall, and says his main ambition in life is to burn down the Warrington branch of Job Centre Plus after his claims adviser disrespected him. When asked to explain what ‘disrespect’ means, Faff stared into the middle distance, then farted.

Backfire describes himself as ‘an individual gay bisexual male looking for fun’. His outraged Lebanese father prefers to call him ‘an affront to God’ and ‘a waste of my seed’. When he’s not painting pictures an infant would be ashamed of, Backfire plays bass in his band – Toxic Death Shock Valentine. The Marchmount & District Telegraph described Backfire’s band as ‘a hopeless joke’. Backfire hopes to go into the media when he leaves the North Lincolnshire Robo-Polyversity for the Mentally Unaware. He hopes to work for E4 as a flaffer.

Tablet’s the cat that won’t cop out, even when there’s danger all about. He’s a bad mother, a sex machine to all the chicks, and would happily risk his neck for his brother man. “I’m a complicated man,” laughs Tablet, “and no one understands me but my woman.” Tablet raddles internal organs from the freshly-slaughtered carcasses of pigs in his local slaughterhouse, and wants to marry Geri Halliwell for her money. Can you dig it?

The O-Cube (real name: Maurice Pomanderer Jnr.) describes himself as an ‘urban experimental graffiti terrorist’. Nottingham County Court judge Alan Williams described him as ‘a persistent nuisance’ at The O-Cube’s recent trial for vandalism and criminal damage. “I’m a warrior,” The O-Cube mutters. “When I’m not blowing your mind with my visions, I’m mashing your ears with my banging tunes, you get me?” In reality, when The O-Cube isn’t completing his 125 hour community service order, he’s cleaning the toilets in Woolworth’s. A waste of space.

Sensitive Pringle wishes the whole world would just live in peace. Except for his mum – a woman he wants dead because she won’t give him money to go to Poppy’s eighteenth on Saturday. Pringle divides his time between college, where he’s studying ‘A’ Levels in Media Studies, Drama and Art, and sitting in his bedroom slashing his wrists as he absorbs My Chemical Romance’s second album. His girlfriend, Zoot Flowerbeam, recently committed suicide to see how many messages of condolence she would receive on Bebo.

“I’m outrageously gay, darling!” bellows This Year’s Gay, Oid Smith. Call centre worker Oid is never happier than when he’s dressing as his alter-ego, Lilly Marspain, a ponderous drag act he hoofs around Manchester’s gay scene in his continuous battle to remain outrageous. Fifty seven year old Oid was recently rushed to hospital when a film he was making for pornography upload site RedTube went horribly wrong. “I had no idea light bulbs were that fragile,” winces Oid.

Tomorrow: Meet the appalling collection of girls Channel 4 have managed to find in the skips and bins of Great Britain.

The Apprentice – The Final Five Part 2

May 29, 2008

Helene Knickers

Helene Knickers takes some time off from being invisible in The Apprentice to work on her manly tan

“I’m just an ordinary girl with a third-degree burns kinda face,” laughs the diminutive Knickers. “And if I win The Apprentice, my ambition is to embezzle Alan Sugar out of MILLIONS.”

Helene – whose father is idiot outdoorsman woodland animal murderer, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall-Knickers – admits to having no business sense whatsoever. However, like most women, she doesn’t think that should hold her back when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder.

“I can cut it in business as much as the next woman!” she smirks, revealing extensive damage to her front teeth. “I have tits, I have ass … what more does a sassy broad need?”

Helene Knickers Fact File

Tomato-based foods
Animal pornography

The fact her drink has never been spiked

Marital Status
Lonely – considering a career in the adult film industry in order to meet men

To see Miss Saigon one thousand times before she dies


Tomorrow: The marshmallow Lucinda Tumpkins

The Apprentice – The Final Five

May 28, 2008

Over the next five days, BC&B takes a look at the five remaining candidates in this year’s series of The Apprentice.

Lee McQueen

Lee McQueen tends to the \'orse along with his unpleasant father, Albert

Former wrag and bone man Lee wants to see shadows disappear from the earth. Lee (who is mentally-retarded) became concerned by shadows when a friend took advantage of his gullibility by telling him shadows are the future ghosts of the person they follow.

“I don’t want to be followed awround by a ghost of myself. It’s dead spooky, and vere’s always ver possibiwitty vat vey might suck out your bones an’ vat. It’d be best if ve Pwime Minister got wrid of shadow ghosts for good … ven Lee McQueen could sleep wivvout the light on.”

Lee is unlucky in love. To date, he’s had over eighty first dates – each one ruined when he took the girl home to meet his father, only to find him naked in a tin bath in the front room, eating pickled onions.


Old Iron

His father

Marital Status
Constantly thwarted by unpleasant paternal bathing activities

To leave home


Tomorrow: The ugly Helene Knickers

Pumpstangel’s Weekly Celebrity Flaff Round-Up

May 28, 2008

Pumpstangel sees ALL

Each week, BC&B’s outrageous gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, casts his beady eye over the world of celebrity, then licks its tits with his acid tongue. Then writes about it.


Beyonce showing off her ass to tramps

That whore Beyonce Knowles is doing the dirrrrty behind bodybuilder boyfriend Pump Thruster’s back! Knowles (40) was caught giving a blowjob to a tramp in a skip outside Hollywood’s fashionable Hollmullond Rodeoway Burger King. “I just love giving head to the homeless!” Beyonce purred!

Pumpstangel’s verdict – You big-assed, tramp cock suckin’ BITCH!


Jennifer Connolly shows off her insane backside

Fears grow for the sanity of that bitch, Jennifer Connolly. A girlfriend tells me she was seen walking up New York’s famous Broadgate & Tenth in carpet slippers with a cat up her ass! Passersby say Connolly looked confused, and had to be led into a nearby ice hockey rink … where she was sexually assaulted by the New York Shits reserve squad!

Pumpsatgel’s verdict – You head-handicapped, cat-up-yer-ass, raped by a hockey team BITCH!


Zellweger shows how fat she is now at a friend\'s funeral

My celebrity photographer boyfriend, Hans Von Scumschtuffel, took this shot at the funeral of a close friend of Hollywood A-Lister, Rene Zellweger. Eagle-eyed flaff-spotters can clearly see the bitch has put on over an ounce in weight since her last role in Brad Funkuncle’s action movie, Pissstinger Nazi Bitches Eat Las Vegas. Friends close to the bloated star say she is going to try the Hollywood Skin-Flaying Diet in a last ditch attempt to lose that ounce.

Pumpstangel’s verdict – I wouldn’t bother, Rene, you fat, has-been, balloon-faced, dead friend-mourning BITCH!

More catty gay celebrity gossip next week. Keep pumpin’ – keep Pumpstangel.

Cancer Fears Grow For Dead Heston

May 28, 2008

Charlton Heston, dead, yesterday

Rumours circulating on celebrity gossip/schlep/flaff site JESUS WEPT! suggest Hollywood legend Charlton Heston has contracted cancer … in his grave! Heston (Deceased) was a seventy-a-day smoker when he was alive, and gravediggers fear the habit that didn’t do him any harm in life has finally caught up with him in death.

“I noticed a stink coming from Heston’s grave t’other week,” Jed Frankenstein, celebrity Hollywood gravedigger told BC&B. “Me and Bert had a dig dahn a couple o’ feet, and we could def’nly smell cancer. Bert’s smelt it afore, like. His favver were an eighty-a-day man, and came dahn wi’it in 1968. He says it stinks like summat un’oly. Like summat the Almighty hissen’d put on this earth to punish the wicked sinfulness o’ mankind. I personally thought it smelt like awd shit, vinegar, and the whiff as used to come off’t mother-in-law when she’d bin at the pickled onions wi’ them greet big sausage fingers of ‘ers. The awd bitch.”

Doctors at the Hollywood Charity Clinic for the Terminally Famous are desperately hunting for a cure for Heston’s suspected underground in-corpse death condition. One hospital insider told BC&B that if something isn’t done soon, Heston’s festering corpse may begin spreading its cancer to other famous dead celebrities in the surrounding area.

“The last thing we need is the massive head injury sustained by John F. Kennedy when he was shot by either Lee Harvey Oswald, a sinister government plot, or all aliens and Elvis and that to become infested with lung cancer. Neither do we wish to see the mouldering carcass of Marylin Monroe riddled with this disease. The awd bitch,” the insider said.

Winslet Tit-Girth Size Worries Grow

May 26, 2008

Winslet, yesterday, with slightly larger boobs

BC&B’s resident Celebrity Scandal Sniffer, Tony Brounts, has heard worrying rumours that plump Kate Winslet is PUTTING ON WEIGHT. Scientists have examined these two images – taken three years apart – and, using a powerful scientific electron microscope, have discovered her tits are a staggering 0.00008 millimetres bigger than they were!

“This is terrible news for Kate,” Brounts told BC&B over a scotch egg and pineapple baguette. “She’s already had to deal with VD, crabs, and herpes, and now her tits are microscopically bigger too! How she’s going to get any more film parts in movies is anyone’s guess … she’s ugly now – hideously ugly.”

Miss Winslet’s agent, Johnny Five, has denied Brounts’ claims. In a thunderous press release, Mr. Five calls Brounts a ‘hapless, lying hack’ with the ‘intellectual capacity of a small orange or labial apple’. He goes on to state that Miss. Winslet’s tits remain the same size – a whopping 44 ZZ!

“I Only Licked The Shaft,” Denies Apprentice Has-Been Raef Underpants

May 26, 2008

Raef appears on TV to deny \'Greek\' rumours

Our ruthless gay Celebrity-Breaker, Seamus Pumpstangel, has erupted a furious war of words with former Apprentice boy/man, Raef Underpants. Underpants (60) was accused of using his mouth on the flange of fellow Apprenticee, Michael Gelps-Aristophenes’s man-hammer.

“I didn’t,” lied wordsmith Raef, when BC&B caught up with him in a San Francisco bath house full of nude men dressed as Roman soldiers. “It was a terrible misunderstanding. I was looking for a copy of the Radio Times in Michael’s thong, when I slipped and didn’t lick the underside of his flange.”

But acid-tongued Pumpstangel laughed at Raef’s denial.

“Oh, this is such bullshit, darling! Everyone in that god-damned house knows Raef ran his tongue along that shaft. Even Lee, who is mentally retarded, managed to tape it on his mobile phone! I give Raef Underpants the Seamus Pumpstangel Secret Gay Pant-Pumpstangel Award of the Week Award!”

Weisz Has Fattest Labia, GOSSTEPPER Magazine Claims

May 26, 2008

Miss. Weisz relaxes half-naked as she furiously denies having an enormous labia

“Brendan Fraser’s seen it twice, and he says it’s a big labia,” says GOSSTEPPER‘s Editor-In-Chief, Ho Slags, speaking of award-winning actress Rachel Weisz’s labia. “Apparently, each side looks a bit like a fat apple … or something as fat as an apple. Like a pear, maybe? A fat pear?”

But Weisz’s publicist, Morty Mortensensen, denies Fraser and GOSSTEPPER‘s claims.

“Rachel Weisz’s labia is no bigger or smaller than any other celebrity labia. It’s probably the same size as Anna Friel‘s, another English Rose actress with a labia.”

Weisz was unavailable to comment on the claim that she has a grotesquely malformed labia (the vaginal equivalent of hunchbackery), as she is currently busy working with Baz Spazzman on his new film, Whore In New York Git FUNkeeee.