Liv Tyler has admitted she’s ‘ashamed’ of her body after sources close to the Hulk actress revealed her abdomen is covered in all racists from the olden days.

“Liv’s devastated,” a close friend told BC&B. “She was just about to film her first sex scene with the Hulk when she noticed pimples had appeared in a ring around her belly button. Within days they’d grown into the heads of famous racists such as Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Adolf Hitler. She tried going back to work, but in a scene where the Hulk was supposed to push his big veiny green cock up Liv’s arse, the racists started spouting racist abuse and telling smutty stories. The film company had to use a body double, and Liv lost fifty pounds out of her wage packet that week.”

This isn’t the first time a major Hollywood actress has succumbed to an outbreak of racists. In 1992, Sharon Stone had to halt filming of her interrogation scene in Basic Instinct when Enoch Powell stuck his head out of her vagina and began warning cast and crew members about ‘a tide of blacks’.

Brian Harvey has run himself over for a second time after yet another encounter with his nemesis – the baked potato. Harvey (80) consumed thirteen baked potatoes round at his girlfriend’s house, then drove off in ‘ill-spirits’ to a job interview at a local meat-rendering plant.

But disaster struck when the hapless former East 17 (E17) singer projectile-vomited potato all over his windscreen, causing him to lose control of the car he was driving. Still retching, Harvey then fell out of the door of the Ford Focus at speed.

Contravening all laws of gravity, Harvey then catapulted along the tarmac of the M25 and landed in front of his vehicle, subsequently running himself over again. The star broke his collarbone and two fingers of his left hand as a result of the accident.

“I’m beginning to think I should give baked potatoes a wide-berth,” Harvey chuckled, as he recovered in his hospital bed. “The next time I eat loads of ‘em then drive, I could end up killing myself … especially if I’m driving fast when I run myself over.”

Scientists now predict that Harvey has a 1 in 30 chance of running himself down every time he eats more than one baked potato, then drives – a statistic that closely resembles the 1 in 25 chance the deceased Queen Mother was given of choking on a fish bone every time she ate halibut.

“Vis is a wonderful wresult for me,” laughed Harry H Corbett, on learning that he has won this year’s The Apprentice. “Finally I can get away from vat zzzirty old man and bwranch aaaht on my own. Vis is ve best day of my ‘ole life!”

Sadly, Corbett’s celebrations were cut short when, on showing his new bird round his swanky London office, he discovered his new boss Sir Alan Sugar having a wash in a tin bath on the office floor, drinking brown ale. When Corbett (56) demanded to know what the hell Sugar thought he was doing, the electronics billionaire replied:

“None o’ your bleeeedin’ business, you dirty great poofter! Oh, don’t leave me ‘Aaaaary, I’ll be lonely on me own!”

Harry’s new girlfriend left swiftly, causing the furious Apprentice winner to throw his hat to the ground in frustration and bite his knuckles whilst going, “Goor-g-g-g-gaaaggghh!”

Then he cleared orrf ahtside to mack aht the ‘orse.

Avril Lavigne has announced her retirement from pop music after a scan revealed her tits are turning into cities. Her agent, Hoivy Wienenbleimenblum, told BC&B:

“Avril has no other option but to call it a day after her doctor told her she’s suffering from Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. It’s a disease that only affects Canadian celebrity singers and is fatal, I’m afraid. It’s a terrible shame really – as Avril’s agent, I’d very much hoped to get my hands on those tits before she hit 25.”

Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis is a disease that slowly turns the tits into exact copies of Barcelona and Rio De Janeiro. The infected tits can be sensitive to light, touch, heat and earthquakes, and can grow quickly out of control unless regular demolition takes place.

There is no known cure for Mammurban Necrotic Fasciitis. Sufferers usually collapse under the weight of their own tits before being buried beneath an ever-growing network of sewage pipes, ultility lines, and underground railway systems.

This week, BC&B’s resident acid tongued Celebrity-Breaker casts his weary eye over the Sex & The City Trollop Quartet.

1. Clarry

Oh … my … GOD! Yes, this BITCH is in the MOST IMPORTANT FLAFF MOVIE EVER MADE, but does that mean she has to look like an anorexic whore-bitch transexual???? This girl SERIOUSLY wants to get out of those knickers and stick her bony ass in a FATTERNATOR. How flat are this bitch’s tits? TOO FLAT!!!! That’s how flat!

You stick it to ‘em, Pumstangel!

2. Porse

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S GOT A CAVERNOUS VAGINA, DARLING! I’ll bet you could stick a skyscraper up this BITCH’s pocket … AND SHE WOULDN’T NOTICE A FUCKING THING! OK, I’ll give her the fact she’s in the greatest tittle-tattlefest since The Devil Wears Prada, but purrrr-LEASE! Have you seen those DOG-TIT tits? They’re flapping about like a spent sphincter after a good seeing-to from Errol Flynn’s Tasmanian Man-Hammer!!!! 10 for the film, sweetie … 0 for the hound’s flabbers!

Tell it like it is, Pumpstangel!

3. Bo-Nella

Where to start? Has this BITCH not heard of liposuction, darling? LOOK AT HER!!! She looks like she’s been feasting on more than cock-sandwiches – like her character in the world’s finest jibber-jabber movie! – she looks like she’s been feasting on REAL SANDWICHES!! No wonder no man will go near her, the porcine, ugly, fat BITCH!

Carry on, Pumpstangel!

4. Teeri

I have NOTHING to say about this grotesque SPECTACLE! Look at her! With her ghastly hair, her ghastly shoes, and her ghastly clothes! You’d think she’d know how to dress, having just starred in the most earth-shattering movie event the world’s ever seen! But no! THE DUMB, BADLY-DRESSED BITCH!

Thanks a lot for that, Pumpstangel!

Next Time: Pumpstangel casts his evil glance over this year’s Paris/London Fashion Splasher.

Meanwhile, The O-Cube interrupted Faff and Melanoma’s discussion on early-16th Century Humanists to waggle his cock in their faces.

Meanwhile, Oid (the outrageous gay) filled up a bucket with his own excrement and threw it at one of the house’s mirrors,

“Oh my God, oh my God, I can’t take it anymore,” he said, into the middle-distance.

Meanwhile, Lucy-Pumps and Tablet’s love grows stronger as every day goes by. Having survived Trial by Fire, the two love-birds spend their days in the Pump Room, licking each other’s horrifying burns, whilst Tablet boasts how far he can push his penis up Lucy-Pump’s vagina,

“It’ll easily pass your kidneys,” he was heard to whisper. “In all honesty, it’s best just shoved up your rectum like wot they do in porno movies and France.”

Meanwhile, Backfire has found a mouldering corpse in the garden! Bisexual Backfire didn’t know where to look when his half-arsed attempt at weeding unearthed the rotting cadaver – so he gouged out his own eyes with a trowel! Screaming, he collapsed dead of shock near the Mangling House. The funeral is on Friday – no flowers.

Tomorrow: Pringle finds Super Feminist Mangella’s comments on phalluses bewildering, and Faff farts into a cradle.

‘Close friends’ of bone-thin stupidoid Kate Moss suggest the retarded former jizzmop of spangle-eyed fuckwit Pete Doherty is suffering from Michter’s Mammary Droop-Milk Syndrome. Kate (80) was spotted wandering around in London’s fashionable Left End, when she was spotted by, and fakely worried about by, eagle-eyed papacrappsies. They noticed the waif-like nitwit’s right tit dangling beneath her belt line, with all milk dripping off it.

“Michter’s Mammary Droop-Milk Syndrome is an illness common to celebrities,” Gabriel O’Dangtananagarivo, BC&B’s resident celebrity doctor told our reporters. “It commonly manifests in a drooping right knocker, with all milk coming out of the end. If left untreated it can lead to a complete rectal prolapse, severe anal bleeding, and colour blindness. I suggest Miss Moss goes somewhere for treatment … and fast!“

Kate is said to be considering her future in light of her new breast condition.

“She’s wondering whether to get it professionally seen to,” a close friend of the idiot model told us, “or if it’s alright just to have at it with a Stanley knife and a bottle of meths.”

Uncontrollable pissing machine Jason Staham has admitted publicly what flaff sites have gossiped about for eight minutes now – that he’s a cunt, and has a bladder problem. Hard-man Statham (55) broke down at the press conference for his new sci-fi actioner, The Inseminoids, tearfully telling waiting journoshits and papanazis that he couldn’t take the rumours any more.

“Alright, I’ll admit it – I’m a big cunt and I can’t stop pissing my trousers!” thundered the two foot tall ‘actor’. “I’ve never been able to control my bladder, not never. When I was in the playground girls used to laugh at me as it poured all out me shorts. One day, I got so angry at the taunts of my contempories, I balled my fists into mallet shapes and went clobbering. I was ten, and broke a six year old girl’s legs … and I’d do it again!“

Journoscum then laughed and laughed at Mr. Statham over his micturation antics (even when he told them to give over), some of them throwing rubber underpants at the red-faced star. Enraged, he pulled himself up to his full height (one foot), and launched his ammonia-soaked frame at the throng of newshounds, gutterknackers and photofuckers.

“I’ll tear your fucking eyes out, y’hear?” bellowed the piss-drenched star, before slipping on a piss puddle and snapping his own neck.

Claire Flabberts

Motor-mouth Claire Flabberts grew up on a council estate in Britain’s only Third World county – Derbyshire. For many years she lived on a steady diet of beans, bread and Utterly Butterly fed to her by her prostitute mother, Marlene Dietrichterscale Flabberts – a calamitous calorific calumny that gave her the colossal figure the British public bear horrified witness to today. Cursed from an early age with pendulous udders, Claire doesn’t see her massive tits or utter stupidity as a barrier to success.

“Words words words words words,” she snorts through her snout. “Words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words!”

“Words words words words words,” she added.

Loves
Saying things without first bothering to find out what they mean
YouTube videos of Ba’ath Party officials’ executions
Watching the cancerous die

Hates
Wops

Marital Status
Untouchable

Ambition
To produce Yoplait from her udders – strawberry from the left, chocolate from the right

Verdict
BEARS UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO A TYPICAL SKID-ROW PORNOGRAPHIC ACTRESS AT THE TAIL-END OF HER CAREER WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY, UP TO AND INCLUDING ANIMAL, OVERWEIGHT PREGNANT LESBIAN, AND PISSING FILMS

Alex ‘Crackhammer’ Crackhammer

For bisexual anorexic bulimic Alex, it’s all about bums, novelty leather costumes and having fun, fun, fun. A familiar sight at Manchester’s annual Pride march, Alex yearns for the day when we can all live in peace regardless of what eating disorders we’ve chosen to suffer from.

“I imagine a world where it’s a bit like a house,” he incomprehensively mutters. “Like, if you had The Jackson Five, ABBA and some Chineses all living together, yes? And they all got along? Am I making sense? I think I’m making sense … think of a pyramid, yes? With The Jackson Five in it? Except they’re not all black people and you cut out the paedophile?”

If Alex wins The Apprentice he promises to bring harmony to Alan Sugar’s company by throwing up his regular luncheon of peas and boiled egg on to the boardroom table.

Likes
The Jackson Five

Dislikes
Racial prejudice
Intolerance
Arabs

Marital Status
Looking for love – though would accept loveless domestic abuse and a life of terrified servitude

Ambition
To break wind for the first time

Verdict
SKIN + BONES = AFFORDABLE COCAINE HABIT + NICE FLAT?

Tune in next week as BC&B criticises the winner of this year’s Apprentice.

Lucinda Wendyhouse Tumpkins

“My name is Lucinda and I went to the seaside with my bear friend and my yellow haired friend and my other friend that I don’t know what he is. We collected shells and made sandcastles and went in the sea. My bear friend was taken away by the policemen when he was caught doing something in the boy’s toilets that nobody would tell me what it was. Then my yellow haired friend was arrested when he was caught taking photographs in the boy’s changing rooms at the baths and that just left my other friend that I don’t know what he is. I don’t like my other friend that I don’t know what he is I hate him I hate him I hate him. My name is Lucinda and this is what I done did on my holidays.”

Loves
Pudding
Jelly
Sweets

Hates
Silly Boys

Marital Status
Cats

Ambition
To marry a handsome prince and live in a castle happily ever after for ever and ever and ever

Verdict
LETHAL INJECTION